#literally had a thought just now like 'wait... todays the 22 right.... sHIT THE DISCUSSION POSTS'

[ambersky0319]

fuck oops

[tarobytez]

disability in the Six Of Crows Duology; an analysis of Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, and the fandom’s treatment of them.

****Note: I originally wrote this for a tiktok series, which im still going to do, but i wanted to post here as well bc tumblr is major contributor to what im going to talk about

CW: ableism, filicide, abuse

In the Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo delicately subverts and melds harmful disability tropes into her narrative, unpacking them in a way that I, as a disabled person, found immensely refreshing and…. just brilliant. 

But what did you all do with that? Well, you fucked it up. Instead of critically looking at the characters, y’all just chose to be ableist. 

For the next few videos paragraphs im going to unpack disability theory (largely the stuff surrounding media, for obvious reasons) and how it relates to Six Of Crows and the characterization of Kaz Brekker and Wylan Van Eck, then how, despite their brilliant writing, y’all completely overlooked the actual text and continuously revert them to ableist cariactures.

Disclaimer: 1. Shocker - i am disabled. I have also extensively researched disability theory and am very active in the disabled community. Basically, I know my shit. 2. im going to be mad in these videos this analysis. Because the way y’all have been acting has been going on for a long ass time and im fuckin sick of it. I don’t give a shit about non-disabled feelings, die mad

Firstly, I’m going to discuss Kaz, his play on the stereotypical “mean cripple” trope and how Bardugo subverts it, his cane, and disabled rage. Then, I am going to discuss Wylan, the “inspiration porn” stereotype, caregivers / parents, and the social model of disability. Finally, I will then explain the problems in the fandom from my perspective as a disabled person, largely when it comes to wylan, bc yall cant leave that boy tf alone.

Kaz Brekker

Think of a character who uses a cane (obviously not Kaz). Now, are they evil, dubiously moral, or just an asshole in general? Because nearly example I can think of is: whether it be Lots’O from Toy Story, Lucius Malfoy, or even Scrooge and Mr.Gold from Once Upon A Time all have canes (the last two even having their canes appear less and less as they become better people)

The mean/evil cripple trope is far more common than you would think. Villains with different bodies are confined to the role of “evil”. To quote TV Tropes, who I think did a brilliant job on explaining it “The first is rooted in eugenics-based ideas linking disability or other physical deformities with a "natural" predisposition towards madness, criminality, vice, etc. The Rule of Symbolism is often at work here, since a "crippled" body can be used to represent a "crippled" soul — and indeed, a disabled villain is usually put in contrast to a morally upright and physically "perfect" hero. Whether consciously on the part of the writer or not, this can reinforce cultural ideas of disability making a person inherently inferior or negative, much in the same way the Sissy Villain or Depraved Homosexual trope associate sexual and gender nonconformity with evil. ”

Our introduction to Kaz affirms this notion of him being bad or morally bankrupt, with “Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason”, etc. This mythologized version of himself, the “bastard of the barrel” actively fed into this misconception. But, as we the audience are privy to his inner thoughts, know that he is just a teenager like every other Crow. He is complex, his disability isn’t this tragic backstory, he just fell off a roof. It’s not his main motivation, nor does he curse revenge for making him a cripple - it is just another part of who he is. 

His cane (though the shows version fills me with rage but-) is an extension of Kaz - he fights with it, but it has a purpose. Another common thing in media is for canes to be simply accessories, but while Kaz’ cane is fashionable, it has purpose.

The quote “There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.” is so fucking powerful. Kaz does not want nor need a cure - its said in Crooked Kingdom that his leg could most likely be healed, but he chooses not to. Abled-bodied people tend to dismiss this thought as Kaz being stubborn but it shows a reality of acceptance of his disability that is just, so refreshing.

In chapter 22 of SOC, we see disabled rage done right - when he is called a cripple by the Fjerdan inmate, Kaz is pissed - the important detail being that he is pissed at the Fjerdan, at society for ableism, not blaming it on being disabled or wishing he could be normal. He takes action, dislocating the asshole’s shoulder and proving to him, and to a lesser extent, himself, that he is just as capable as anyone else, not in spite of, but because he is disabled. And that is the point of Kaz, harking back to the line that “there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken”. 

I cried on numerous occasions while reading the SOC duology, but the parts I highlighted in this section especially so. I, as many other disabled people do, have had a long and tumultuous relationship with our disability/es, and for many still struggle. But Kaz Brekker gave me an empowered disabled character who accepts themselves, and that means the world to me. 

Keeping that in mind, I hope you can understand why it hurts so much to disabled people when you either erase Kaz’s disability (whether through cosplay or fanfiction), or portray him as a “broken boy uwu”, especially implying that he would want a cure. That flies in the face of canon and is inherently fucking ableist. (if u think im mad wait until the next section)

Next, we have Wylan.  

Oh fucking boy. 

I love Wylan so fucking much, and y’all just do not seem to understand his character? Like at all? Since this is disability-centric, I’m not going to discuss how the intersection of his queerness also contributes to these issues, but trust me when I say it’s a contributing factor to what i'm going to say.

Wylan, motherfucking Van Eck. If you ableist pricks don’t take ur fucking hands off him right now im going to fight you. I see Wylan as a subversion another, and in my opinion more insidious stereotype pf disabled people - inspiration porn.

Cara Liebowitz in a 2015 article on the blog The Body Is Not An Apology explains in greater detail how inspiration porn is impactful in real life, but media is a major contributing factor to this reality. The technical definition is “the portrayal of people with disabilities as inspirational solely or in part on the basis of their disability” - but that does not cover it fully. 

Inspiration porn does lasting damage on the disabled community as it implies that disability is a negative that you need to “overcome” or “triumph” instead of something one can feel proud of. It exploits disabled people for the development of non-disabled people, and in media often the white male protagonist. Framing disability as inherently negative perpetuates ideals of eugenics and cures - see Autism $peaks’ “I Am Autism” ad. Inspiration porn is also incredibly patronizing as it implies that we cannot take care of ourselves, or do things like non-disabled people do. Because i stg some of you tend to think that we just sit around all day wishing we weren’t disabled. 

Another important theory ideal that is necessary when thinking about Wylan is the experience of feeling like a burden simply for needing help or accommodations. This is especially true when it comes to familial relationships, and internalized ableism.

The rhetoric that Wylan’s father drilled into his head, that he is “defective”, “a mistake”, and “needs to be corrected”, that he (Jan) was “cursed with a moron for a child” is a long held belief that disabled people hear relentlessly. And while many see Van Eck’s attempted murder of Wylan as “preposturous” and overall something that you would never think happens today - filicide (a parent murdering their child) is more common than you would like to believe. Without even mentioning the countless and often unreported deaths of disabled people due to lack of / insufficient / neglectful medical care, in a study on children who died from the result of household abuse, 40 of 42 of them (95%) were diagnosed with disabilities. Van Eck is not some caricature of ableist ideals - he is a real reflection on how many people and family members view disability. 

Circling back to how Wylan unpacks the inspiration porn trope - he is 3 dimensional, he is not only used to develop the other characters, he is just *chefs kiss* Leigh, imo, put so much love and care into the creation of Wylan and his story and character growth that is representative of a larger feeling in the disabled community. 

That being said, what you non-disabled motherfuckers have done to him.

The “haha Wylan can’t read” jokes aren’t and were not funny. Y’all literally boiled down everything Wylan is to him being dyslexic. And it’s like,,,, the only thing you can say about him. You ignore every other part of him other than his disability, and then mock him for it. There’s so much you can say about Wylan - simping for Jesper, being band kid and playing the fuckin flute, literally anything else. But no, you just chose to mock his disability, excellent fucking job!

Next up on “ableds stfu” - infantilization! y’all are so fucking condescending to Wylan, and treat him like a fucking toddler. And while partly it is due to his sexuality i think a larger portion is him being disabled. Its in the same vein of people who think that Wylan and Jesper are romantically one sided, and that Jesper only kind of liked Wylan, despite the canon evidence of him loving Wylan just as much. You all view him as a “smol bean”, who needs protecting, and care, when Wylan is the opposite of that. He is a fucking demolitions expert who suggested waking up sleeping men to kill them - what about that says “uwu”. You are treating Wylan as a burden to Jesper and the other Crows when he is an immensely valuable, fully autonomous disabled person - you all just view him as damaged. 

And before I get a comment saying that “uhhh Wylan isn’t real why do you care” while Wylan may not be real, how you all view him and treat him has real fucking impacts and informs how you treat people like me. If someone called me an “uwu baby boy” they’d get a fist square in the fucking jaw. Fiction informs how we perceive the world and y’all are making it super fucking clear how you see disabled people. 

Finally, I wanted to talk about how the social model of disability is portrayed through Wylan. For those who are unaware, the social model of disability contrasts the medical model, that views the disability itself as the problem, that needs to be cured, whereas the social model essentially boils down to creating an accommodating society, where disability acceptance and pride is the goal. And we see this with Wylan - he is able to manage his father’s estate, with Jesper’s assistance to help him read documents. And this is not out of pity or charity, but an act of love. It is not portrayed as this almighty act for Jesper to play saviour, just a given, which is incredibly important to show, especially for someone who has been abused by family for his disability like Wylan, that he is accepted. 

Yet, I still see people hold up Jesper on a pedestal for “putting up with” Wylan, as if loving a disabled person deserves a fucking pat on the back. It’s genuinely exhausting trying to engage with a work I love so much with a fandom that thinks so little of me and my community. It fucking shows. 

Overall, Leigh Bardugo as a disabled person wrote two incredibly meticulous and empowered disabled characters, and due to either lack of reading comprehension, ableism, or a quirky mix of both, the fandom has ignored canon and the experiences of disabled people for…. shits and giggles i guess. And yes, there are issues with the Grishaverse and disability representation - while I haven’t finished them yet so I do not have an opinion on it, people have been discussing issues in the KOS duology with ableist ideals. This mini series was no way indicative of the entire disabled experience, nor does it represent my entire view on the representation as a whole. These things need to be met critically in our community, and talked about with disabled voices at the forefront. For example, the limited perspective we get of Wylan and Kaz being both white men, does not account for a large portion of the disabled community and the intersection of multiple identities.

All-in-all, Critique media, but do not forget to also critique fandom spaces. Alternatively, just shut the fuck up :)

happy fucking disability pride month, ig

[craftypeaceturtle]

Distanced, part 1

Summary: A group chat fic! How shall these useless students cope with daily life.

Note: This is my first attempt at anything even remotely like this! I have no idea how this will turn out so feedback is greatly appreciated! Intrulogical. 

Next part here!!

.

MESSAGES: To Remus Prince (Presentation)

Tuesday, 16:15

Hello. This is Logan Sanders from Prof. Smith’s seminar. Do you have any suggestions for how we should go about completing the upcoming assessment?

Remus Prince: who dis

I literally just stated it. Logan Sanders.

I wear the tie.

Remus Prince: OHHH

Remus Prince: Well 1stly

Remus Prince: What’s the best planet in the solar system?

Pardon?

Remus Prince: i LitERaLlY JuSt stAtED iT

That has nothing to do with anything, we just need to get through this project.

Remus Prince: if u want to work then u have to answer

Jupiter. 

Remus Prince: cool.

Remus Prince: You’ll do.

Remus Prince: My name is Remus.

I know. We did actually swap phone numbers. We in fact discussed which topic we would be doing for over fifteen minutes in the seminar. So we have indeed met. If you continue to be obnoxious then this will be a easier project. 

.

MESSAGES: To Remus Sanders (Presentation)

Tuesday, 16:22

Why did you ask that question?

 Remus Prince: I asked my brother that question and he answered earth

Remus Prince: I’ve had trust issues ever since

Roman’s favourite planet is Earth? 

 Remus Prince: HAH

Remus Prince: ye he’s an idiot

Remus Prince: I’ve gotta test everyone now.

Remus Prince: You passed btw

Remus Prince: WAIT!

Remus Prince: Do u know Ro?

Yes, he is my friend and roommate. 

Remus Prince: What was ur name again????????

You can literally scroll up and reread it. I refuse. You got into university for a reason and so you can manage my name.

Remus Prince: jk

Okay then. Do you want to discuss how we should go about creating this powerpoint?

Remus Prince: what’s there to ‘discuss’?

We can separately conduct our research however it is regrettably better to meet up in person to practise not only giving the presentation but also the construction of the presentation itself.

Remus Prince: man you just love sending essays huh

I have written out longer messages. I don’t understand the point of sending a sentence at a time and risk getting interrupted. Plus at least my texting doesn’t seem all like an assault of constant notifications. 

Remus Prince: fair

Shall we say that we should aim to get our presentation research finished by two weeks (15th). That leaves us another two weeks to construct the powerpoint, gather more research if necessary, then practise presenting. 

Remus Prince: k

GROUPCHAT: Goths, Emos, and Remus

Tuesday, 16:26

Octopussy: can I vent for a sec

Octopussy: So! I’m just sitting here. Y’know. Vibing. 

Octopussy: Then out of nowhere the nerd from my class starts messaging me about the group project that’s due a month away

Octopussy: like wtf

Octopussy: nice to know the nerd thing isn’t just appearance

Vigilant: help

Octopussy: he made a big deal about meeting up as well to do this!

Octopussy: No one in the class even cares!

Octopussy: No one is even remotely

Octopussy: Not even close

Octopussy: To thinking about that project right now!

Octopussy: We’ve got ages!

Vigilant: oh sweet jesus

Octopussy: Like! We’ve got a month!

Octopussy: AN ENTIRE MONTH

Octopussy: Like he also wants to meet up as well to practise

Octopus: Like ew.

Top-Hat-Gay: Are you done?

Octopussy: ye

Octopussy: he’s a dick

Vigilant: oh thank god

Top-Hat-Gay: Ha, as if you believe in god.

Vigilant: If it stops Re from not spamming us then I’ll believe whatever. 

Octopussy: rude

Vigilant: bitch

Top-Hat-Gay: On an actually important note, which one of you last used my nail bag?

Octopussy: me!

Octopussy: you need more green 

Top-Hat-Gay: No I fucking don’t!

Top-Hat-Gay: There was an entirely new bottle in there!

Octopussy: I said what I said.

Top-Hat-Gay: I hate you. 

Octopussy: Thank bby

Octopussy: ALSO!

Octopussy: I found out the nerd also lives with Ro.

Top-Hat-Gay: So?

Vigilant: hE’S FORBIDDEN

Top-Hat-Gay: Wait so the nerd is Logan?

Octopussy: He is!

Octopussy: not that it seems to be having any effect on Ro. he’s as dense as a brick.

Top-Hat-Gay: I saw him today going into Remy’s. 

Vigilant: Why are we even talking about him

Vigilant: Like who gives a shit.

Octopussy: dunno

Octopussy: just thought it was weird

Top-Hat-Gay: Maybe you should switch partners. Especially if he wants to meet up at some point.

Octopussy: nah

Octopussy: not worth it

Top-Hat-Gay: A teacher wouldn’t care. They only want to see good grades. They won’t mind moving stuff around for you.

Octopussy: He seems harmless. 

Vigilant: you literally called him a dick after one conversation.

Octopussy: he is a dick

Octopussy: he seems stuffy but just a nerd through and through. He’s not going to be a prick or anything.

Vigilant: This isn’t really about him. He already got you talking about you know who in your first ever conversation. Maybe you shouldn’t hang around him.

Octopussy: I just thought it was interesting

Octopussy: It doesn’t mean jack shit

Octopussy: Not everything I talk about has some grand meaning.

Octopussy: I just thought it was weird that this nerd I share my classes with also lives with my bro. 

Top-Hat-Gay: And that’s perfectly fine Re.

Octopussy: soz V

Octopussy: didn’t mean to blow up in your face

Octopussy: just annoying to feel psycho-analysed 

Vigilant: soz

Octopussy: okay! 

Octopussy: that’s proof enough!

Octopussy: we can behave to each other so ice cream plz!!!!!!!!!!!

Top-Hat-Gay: JESUS CHRIST I SAID THAT AS A JOKE LAST YEAR

Octopussy: I will eat V’s posters unless you give us reward good boy icecream

Vigilant: chocolate pls

Top-Hat-Gay: jesus do you lot know how long it takes for me to put on my cape to go shopping

Vigilant: yes

Vigilant: we are precisely aware of exactly how long it takes

Vigilant: that’s why we don’t go shopping with you

GROUPCHAT: THE FAM ILY

Tuesday, 16:38

Pat-on-the-back: Heya guys, are we all in for dinner tonight?

Logan.S: I am.

YourHopesandDreams: I will be in at 7. If you could be so compassionate to push your meal back until then, I would be truly indebted to you.

Pat-on-the-back:  Fine by me!

Logan.S: I am agreeable.

Pat-on-the-back: Also Lo! Are you finished with your work?

Logan.S: I have finished my to-do list so I am available if I’m needed. 

Pat-on-the-back: No, you’re all good! I just wanted to check. It sounded like you were doing work for like four hours straight.

Logan.S: It took three hours thank you very much. 

Logan.S: So what are we doing for dinner?

Pat-on-the-back: I was thinking lasagne! 

Pat-on-the-back: also! Don’t think I’ll notice that change in topic!

Pat-on-the-back: I thought we all agreed on two hour stretches of work with a 15 min break at least. I mean... it’s even written on our calendar! There’s no way you forgot, did you Mister! 

Logan.S: It’s fine Pat.

Logan.S: Just let it go

Logan.S: I needed to get it done

Logan.S: I don’t need to be babied. 

Logan.S: I’m taking a break now. I’m okay.

Pat-on-the-back: I know, I’m sorry. I just want to make sure. As long as you feel okay then everything’s alright! How was your work anyway?

Logan.S: Fairly ordinary actually. I had to go through some of my notes and rewrite a couple of pages then I had to organise a group project due the 2nd of March. 

Pat-on-the-back: Sounds productive!

Logan.S: Thank you.

YourHopesandDreams: Ew. Group project. Who’s your partner?

Logan.S: We are in entirely different courses, why do you think you would know them?

YourHopesandDreams: Everyone knows the drama students know everyone. 

Logan.S: I’m working with Remus.

YourHopesandDreams: You should ask to swap partners. 

Logan.S: I won’t do so unless I have a genuine reason. I’ve not had any interactions with him previously and while he did seem half-hearted and obnoxious in his messages, he seems harmless. If he messes everything around then I will but I won’t make a fuss unless I have reason to.

Pat-on-the-back: That’s fair but please make sure to tell us if he pulls anything.

YourHopesandDreams: Your loss. 

.

MESSAGES: To Nerd

Wednesday, 3:02

hey u awake

Nerd: What on earth are you doing up at 3am? 

Oh

Soz

Wrong number.

MESSAGES: To Nerd

Wednesday, 3:12

Nerd: What is your favourite planet?

wha

Nerd: I figured it would be fair to ask your test to you. For all I know you could be as uncultured as your brother.

can we not talk about him

I dunno really

I wanna say pluto because they deserve it

but I kinda like saturn best.

Nerd: Any reason why?

Just kinda interesting

Big, lots a moons, ring. 

It’s just a cool planet. 

Nerd: Fair enough.

Do you have a reason to like jupiter?

Nerd: If I’m being honest, my science teacher absolutely adored Jupiter. I don’t know why but that memory of him ranting about how cool it was just really stuck with me. I was only about 8 years old. But I found myself agreeing with him. Back then my fascination was a lot more childish. I thought it was fascinating that since Jupiter was a gas planet it hadn’t been blown away yet. I grew up from that view but the interest never left.

ew that was almost cute.

Nerd: I concur that was very unprofessional.

WAIT

WAIT

HOLD ON

Why hasn’t Jupiter blown away!?!?!?!?!??

Nerd: Excuse me?

8YR OLD YOU IS A GENUIS 

Nerd: There’s no atmosphere in space!

But there’s pressure and junk isn’t there? 

Nerd: The pressure is pulling the mass into the centre which keeps the planet whole.

Do you think we could step on Jupiter?

Nerd: I don’t know.

I thought you knew space!

Nerd: I do biology! To get into a biology degree, I did a bunch of biology based subjects! Why would I know anything about space?

I dunno.

I guess if you look like a nerd people just presume.

Nerd: I’ve personally found it’s the confidence. If you act confident enough then everyone presumes you know exactly what you’re doing and you’re in control, no matter how out of place you look. 

I’ll drink to that!

Wait, in what situation would you have learnt this!?!

Nerd: I have a bad habit of accidentally going to the wrong class and just going along with it rather than anything else. Although I should say I did fantastic in that architectural history class. But this habit has caused some awkward situations. I have also impersonated a store manager to explain why me and my friend were there when really he ran into the warehouse searching for a kitten. 

HAH

That’s brilliant

Using your nerdy powers to overthrow society.

Does this mean you’re a liar?

Nerd: I call it ‘managing life’. 

HAH

Sounds about right.

Why are you awake at this time?

Nerd: I could ask you that.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 32

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i tried to find a good gif for this of him right before a show and i couldnt. i know some exist but its almost 7am and im tired lol so yea.

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! :i love the requests you guys send me theyre amazing! thank you! 💖

Chapter 32 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

March 10,2018

I kept playing with my fingers and glancing at the door as I waited for Dylan to arrive. My foot started shaking under the table and I kept checking my phone to see if Niall had sent me a message or anything. I knew he was busy and I wasn't expecting him to call but I knew it would be awkward if he did while I was with Dylan. It was the very first time we were seeing each other since I broke up with him in Italy and I still felt like crap for the way I had treated him. I knew I was the bad guy in the story and I didn't even want to pretend otherwise. I took the blame, literally all of it, but I couldn't pretend I regretted it. It was better to stop things then, than to keep this game going on. I wouldn't have been able to resist Niall anyway and the whole cheating thing was not for me. It only made me feel like shit.

The door tinged and my head moved up so quickly I could have snapped my neck. He was there and I held my breath but when his eyes met mine, the smile he sent me made something stir in my stomach. Did I really break up with this guy?

I got up and he walked closer. I felt his hand on my upper arm as he kissed my cheeks before we both sat down, facing each other. He called the waitress and asked for water and a meal while I took my glass of wine and brought it to my lips. I needed it to survive this conversation because I felt like it was about to get heavy. I didn't know how he felt or what he thought, and somehow, I was scared. I didn't want him to hate me and at the same time, I couldn't blame him if he did.

We hadn't talked at all and he hadn't said anything mean about me, at least nothing I had heard about, but it wasn't really surprising. It was not his type to shittalk other people. It was also not his type to share his personal life or anything. I frowned, realizing he had quite a few things in common with Niall and that, perhaps, I had a type.

"How are you?" he asked in a soft tone, leaning his forearms on the table and crossing his fingers together.

I sent him a small smile and titled my head. "I'm... i'm okay, and you?"

"Oh, I'm good."

I nodded and started nibbling on my bottom lip from stress. He noticed and I saw the left corner of his lips raise up slightly as his lips twisted into a small smile.

"No need to be nervous, you know." he explained. "It's me. Just me. You've seen me naked before, and you've seen me with food on my face. Pretty sure you also heard me when I went to the bathroom. You're safe."

I laughed and shook my head, pressing my lips together. He was always so funny and I just nodded. I had no idea why, but I suddenly felt like everything would be alright. I knew Dylan, and i knew the kind of man he was, and I trusted him.

"Thanks, I just didn't want things to be awkward between us. We didn't really talk since that day in Italy and I was not sure... how you felt, and what you thought." I tilted my head, staring in his eyes, and I smiled at the incredible shade of brown they were. It made me think of how blue Niall's eyes were and how much I missed them. "We're filming together today and.. I don't know, is there any way we can make this less awkward or.. more comfortable?"

His smile turned into a sad one and he nodded slowly. "That's why you wanted to meet." he pointed out, as if he was realizing something that he didn't enjoy. He sighed and rubbed on of his eyes before slipping his hand in his hair and leaning against the chair. "We're both professionals, I mean, I was not going to start any trouble, Liv. I love working on this tv show. That's why I messaged you the first time."

I chuckled and raised my eyebrows, using a teasing tone. "Oh? I thought that was because you saw me act and thought you just had to meet me!" I joked with a small chuckle.

He shook his head slightly and looked away before sighing again.

"The truth is yea, I did message you at first because you caught my eyes. I mean, it's something that emanated from you in all those videos. Through the camera you were just.. I can't explain. I don't know many people who can just send that kind of vibe through a camera, but you did." he admitted, making me frown slightly. That was something he had never told me before and I was in shock. "The show was interesting, of course, but you were the reason why I messaged you. I wanted to act with you. But I watched that tv show because it was good."

My lips curled and then parted slightly. "You... you thought I was a good actress?" I asked, not expecting that and making him chuckle.

"You think it's surprising?"

"Well, yea." I shrugged, looking down at my hands. "I've never really done anything, i'm just a boring french girl who didn't learn acting in school or anything. I didn't think anyone would actually try to act with me, at least not someone like you."

"Someone like me?" he asked with a smirk. "What kind of person am I, exactly?"

"Fishing for compliments?" I asked with a small laugh.

"Or just curious, you know me."

I tilted my head but sent him a fond smile before licking my lips and clearing my throat. We got our meals just as I was about to answer and finally, I asked for an other glass of wine, taking a mental note to stop after that or I'd have a hard time to film my scenes.

"I mean, you can't deny that you're popular. And yea, you're pretty hot, but people actually like you for your talent. Your good look is just a bonus. You can't blame a nobody like me for being starstruck."

"Oh so you were starstruck when we met?" he asked with a chuckle.

"From the day I got your tweet, until that time we sang together after an 18 hours of filming." I admitted. "I was starstruck the whole time."

"That's the first night we had sex." he pointed out, making my smile grow as I nodded.

"It was."

"So you were not starstruck when you saw me naked? I'm offended."

This time, i let out a louder laugh, letting my head fall slightly on my shoulders before looking back in his eyes. I felt reassured that we would just get along, even if we weren't dating anymore, and I wouldn't let anyone else make things awkward between us.

"The truth?" I asked, raising my eyes as his eyes moved from his plate to my face. "I wouldn't say starstruck but... impressed, yea."

"I know right? That's what all the girls say." he joked, making me laugh and shake my head before rolling my eyes.

"I saw a few rumors about you and Jody." I pointed out. "I know you're not with her but, are you seeing anyone?"

It took him a while to answer and he finally pushed his plate away and grabbed his glass, taking a long sip of water before shaking his head a bit. He was avoiding my eyes but I knew him well enough to guess he was probably trying to formulate an answer correctly in his head before letting it out. He was a funny and sensitive guy, and he had tact, which I greatly appreciated.

"I'm only talking for me, but honestly, I can not get over a break up that easily, and I don't really want to date anyone right now." he looked up in my eyes and sighed. "This is no surprise if I tell you I'm not over you, right? I mean I was ready to marry you, Olivia. This is not something you just brush away and move on from in the spam of a few weeks."

I felt extremely guilty and when he stopped talking, I held my breath and pressed my lips together. There was no right answer to this and I decided to keep quiet, only letting out the air from my lungs when the waitress came with my glass of wine. I thanked her and after she left, I took a very long sip of it before putting it back on the table. I couldn't pretend I was totally over the break up with Dylan but at the same time, I had Niall, and with him, nothing else seemed to matter, or almost. I didn't want to blindly love him the way I used to before, but I couldn't pretend I was not happy in his arms.

"I'm sorry I asked." I said in a low tone, clearing my throat. "I mean, it wouldn't be any of my business anyway."

Quickly, Dylan brought the discussion back to the show and the scenes we were about to do together and we started laughing again. I had no idea how he did it, but he could always turn an awkward situation into a comfortable one. That was why it was always so easy to be around him.

We paid for our food and walked out of the restaurant as he checked his watch.

"We're supposed to be there in half an hour." he let out, looking around the parking. "You need a ride or you got your own car?"

I raised my nose up. "I planned on taking a cab. I hate driving back when we're done filming, i'm always so tired."

He raised his eyebrows and pointed his car with both hands, his keys hanging from one. I chuckled and rolled my eyes, moving my head a bit before deciding that it was just a car ride and we were going at the same place anyway. It reminded me that Dylan was always my ride home when we filmed the first season and that's one of the things that had brought us closer. We would always chat about what had happened on the set or laugh at each other for the mistakes we made that would be good bloopers. The first time we kissed was in his car, and I remembered like it was yesterday. It was the first time someone made me feel as strongly as that after Niall. Or even before. In fact, I could remember clearly why I wanted to marry Dylan.

He handed me his phone so I could choose the songs that would play while he was driving and when we got there, we walked inside together without really thinking about it. Not many people noticed but those who did sent me a weird look or a surprised smile but I just said hi and left, not wanting to discuss it at all. Sometimes, I forget that people in general love gossips, and that it's not just the paps I need to hide from.

Gladly, no one dared asking me questions and when I was ready to play the scene, I felt nervous all of a sudden. Dylan walked to me with a frown and bent down slightly, giving me a whiff of his deodorant. It made me smile and he whispered.

"Why so nervous?"

"We're supposed to kiss." I pointed out in a murmur, feeling slightly embarrassed by my own words and fear.

"Yea, we did that plenty of time." he replied back. "Relax, it's not even intimate, you know it, there's 25 persons with us on the set."

He was right and I breathed in and out to get some courage. I just thought it was different to kiss someone for a tv show when I was single versus when I was not. It made something jump in my chest when I remembered I was technically still single and for some reason, it didn't sit right with me. I suddenly wanted to be official with Niall. To fly back to Ireland right now and tell him I wanted to be his girlfriend. It was not a rational thought and I pushed it back, trying to focus on the scene I was about to be in. I was still not used to being an actress and I didn't know that much about all of it yet, but I knew that if I wanted to keep doing this job, I would probably have to kiss other people at some point. Perhaps, after a few years, it wouldn't be much of a deal anymore. Hopefully.

Everything went well and I tilted my head while biting my bottom lip as I looked at Dylan. It was incredible how 'in character' he could get and he sighed, raising his eyebrows up as he kept saying his text.

"You know you drive me crazy?"

I smiled proudly and shook my head. "My goal in life!"

I saw him take a few steps my way quickly and it couldn't have been more different than our first kiss was. This on-screen kiss was quick and hard and although it was totally different than the kisses we used to share in private, it still brought a bunch of memories of us in my brain. It was hard to think he was not thinking about the time we spent together too and when his hands reached the sides of my shirt near my waist, I shut my eyes tighter. He gripped my shirt in his fists and I kept my eyes closed when we stopped kissing before he brushed his nose against mine.

The first kiss I had had with Dylan was shy at the beginning and deep after a while. This one didn't come close to the real deal but I guess when feelings are involved, it's always stronger.

"That was the only way I could think about to shut you up." he whispered as I nodded slowly.

"Mm, I can't think of a better way."

He chuckled and I did too, my eyes fluttering open and I couldn't help but blink a few times when my gaze met his. I knew it was all acting but it felt weird to play that scene with him anyway. I sent him a smile and chuckled low and when I heard the 'cut!' I breathed out as all the stress evacuated from my body.

"You're fucking good at this, Olivia." Dylan just complimented me, making me smile a bit.

He patted my shoulder and I checked the time on my phone, grimacing when I realized Niall was probably not done with his show. I wanted to check the video he promised he would do while opening my envelop but I felt like it was too personal and decided I would wait until I was back home.

The rest of the scenes we were supposed to do went fast. Dylan was an incredibly good actor and a hard-working man. He rarely missed his lines or forgot his text and I always tried to be as good and professional as he was. It was crazy but he turned out to be a model for me but I had never taken the time to tell him.

He brought me back home and I was slightly sad when I realized I couldn't ask him to drop me at Niall's. It would make things so awkward and although I knew I could just take my car and drive there, It was way too late for that.

"Thanks so much for the ride, Dyl." I smiled and tilted my head. "I appreciate it."

"You're welcome, babe." I raised my nose up and he chuckled. "Okay, no cute names, I get it."

I waited a few seconds and licked my lips. "I never thanked you for teaching me so much about acting. So thank you. I look up to you a lot. I aspire to be as good as you are."

He sent me a smile but there was something in his eyes that I couldn't seem to decipher. Slowly, he nodded and I grabbed my purse, turning to him again.

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Sure, do you want me to pick you up?"

My lips parted and I took a few seconds to think. I really needed to talk to Niall about it, or else I would feel like I was lying to him, and I hated that.

"Oh, uhm, sure. Thanks, text me?"

He nodded and I got out of the car and I glanced at him a few times, knowing he would wait until I was safe and sound inside to actually leave. I waved at him and closed the door behind me, surprised that Louis was still awake and mostly, that he was alone.

"Hey my queen, how was the filming?" he asked without even looking at me.

"Nice." I admitted, taking my shoes off and walking up to the couch, letting myself fall next to him.

He moved his arm on the back of the couch, near my neck and I leaned my head against it.

"Tired?" he asked, finally turning to look at me as I nodded. "Go to bed, then. There's a gift waiting for you on your bed."

"A gift?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and sitting back up, suddenly interested. "From who?"

"Yours truly. I literally ordered it on ebay."

I frowned when I saw his smirk and felt my heart skip a beat. What stupid thing had he done again? I rushed to my room and opened the door but I stopped dead in my track and my jaw dropped. I walked slowly to my bed and chuckled before making a grimace. I grabbed the cushion and turned around only to see Louis, his hands in his pockets and leaning on the door frame as he sent me a bigger smirk.

"Are you fucking serious?" I chuckled, shaking the cushion with Niall's face on it. "He's like 18 on that damn picture!"

"More like 20. And hey, I picked one where you can actually take the cover off and wash it in the machine. If you want to... you know."

My eyes got bigger and I walked quickly to him as I hit him a few times with the cushion, making laugh even more as he tried to dodge my hits with his elbows and hands.

"What? You're gonna ride it, won't you?"

I started hitting him harder with it and he laughed more as he started running away. I followed him to the living room and raised my nose up again when I saw his smirk.

"You know what, Louis? I will. I'll ride that cushion naked, my damn cunt right on his face, and you'll know I'll do it because I'll fucking scream his name!"

His smile faltered and It made mine grow. "Yea about that, darling, you can wait 'til I'm out to do that yeah?"

"Yea, I don't think so." 

He groaned and I laughed. "Good night, Louis!"

I didn't wait for his answer and walked back to my room, closing and locking the door behind myself. I took a very quick shower and when I finally got under the covers, I quickly checked the instagram I made for us. My heart jumped in my chest and my lips curled when I saw the first video posted. I licked my lips and finally clicked on it as Niall started talking. He looked amazing and just seeing him made me tear up.

"Hey my love." he started with a smile. He was totally ready to go on stage and it made me smile. He had his guitar and his ear monitors and I could see he was close to the stage. He had put his phone on something and was smiling so big that it made my smile grow too. "I fucking miss you. The flight was horrible, you know."

The truth was, he should have left probably a day earlier but we didn't really want to be separated. Now, however, he was jet lagged and tired and I felt a bit guilty about that.

"Okay so, I'm in Ireland and I wish you were here with me. Let's see what your note says." He quickly ripped off the side and I groaned. I didn't know why but watching someone open something in a way I didn't feel was the right one always bothered me. He took the paper out and I saw his face change and his lips part in surprise.

"Jesus Christ this smells like you!" he let out a bit louder. "How did you do that, petal?"

I chuckled alone in the darkness of my room and squirmed a bit as he read the words quickly, his facial expression changing as his eyes moved on the paper. He looked up and shook his head.

"I thought about you the whole flight, Liv." he admitted. "You're in all my thoughts too, lovely. I'm about to go sing a bunch of songs about you and damn, it's not gonna be easy. You call me as soon as you come back home okay? You step foot in the damn house and you pick your phone. I need to hear your voice. I love you."

The video stopped and I raised my eyebrows, quickly hitting on his name to facetime him. It took him half a second to answer and I chuckled. Seeing his face made me want to literally cry.

"Pet, fucking finally!" he let out, making me chuckle. "Hey, your hair's wet, you're in bed... you didn't call me as soon as you got home like I asked! Wait, is that your bed?"

I breathed in and sighed. "Yea I'm sorry I just watched your video. And I'm home because Dylan gave me a ride, so I couldn't really ask him to bring me back to your place."

Niall groaned and I sent him a sad smile, tilting my head.

"I wish he knew that you're with me now." he shook his head. "I know we're not... together but, you know..."

"I know, Nee. I know."

We stared at each other for a while, just happy to talk to each other live and after a while, I pressed my lips together and started the conversation again.

"So how was your show?"

"Great. Fucking amazing, in fact." he admitted, playing with his hair and making my heart twist in my chest. I wish I could slide my fingers in his hair, too. "I'll be in Dublin tomorrow."

My face changed and I sat up. "Are you gonna go through Mullingar?"

"Probably."

I held my breath and my lips parted slightly.

"If you see someone I know-"

"Yea, I'll call you."

My eyes fluttered and I finally found my smile back, leaning against the wall behind me. I could spend hours just sitting in bed, facetiming with him but keeping silence. Just knowing he was there was enough for me.

"Is there a secret written in every envelop you wrote or was it just for the first one?" he asked, a smirk forming on his lips.

I felt my cheeks burn slightly and nibbled on my bottom lip, making him laugh.

"It was not a secret just... something I never told you."

"Well if you want to tell me of all the times you masturbated thinking about me, please I'd love it." he explained, making me hide my face with my free hand. "Make a list and send it to me. I'll do that same."

"God you're impossible!" I laughed, rolling my eyes. "You tell a guy you rode his pillow one time in the morning when he was out for a run and suddenly you're naughty!"

"You are naughty, Liv." he laughed too. "Are you gonna show me?"

"Mm, Maybe."

We stared at each other for a few minutes and it made me realize how much lighter I felt whenever Niall was around. I knew he was not physically there at that moment but I still felt better, calmer and happier. It made me realize that I was in a perpetual state of stress since he had left and I felt even lighter now than after that kissing scene with Dylan. No one could make me feel good the way Niall did.

"It's morning there?" I asked as he nodded.

"It's 10 in the morning. Which means it's about 2am where you are? Go to bed, petal, you need a rest."

"Aren't you glad that I waited to call you? I probably would have woken you up!"

"You did." he pointed out with a soft smile. "That was the plan. I wanted to wake up seeing your face, sort of like you were here with me. Fuck, I wish you were here with me."

I felt myself tear up and tried to swallow my tears but it was too hard. I blinked a few times and a few tears slid down my cheeks. I didn't even try to stop them, I just kept staring at Niall until he frowned and shook his head.

"Pet, please, don't." he sat and his phone moved as I tried to stop a sob from escaping my lips and when he appeared on the screen again, he was rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger and I held my breath when I realized he was crying too. "We'll be together soon enough, okay?"

He breathed in and I heard him sob slightly, making me bring my hand to my mouth as I nodded. "Mmhm yes." I whispered, trying to swallow my tears and pain.

It had only been a day and it was already tough. I had no idea how we'd go through weeks without each other but it scared the shit out of me. I brought my hand to my phone and let my fingertip run on his cheek, over the screen. It was ridiculous but I was desperate for his touch. I just wanted to be in his arms, just a few seconds, I would have done anything.

He chuckled sadly but his eyes were still red and I knew I probably looked the same. "I put your note under my pillow and now it smells like you." he admitted. "You're not physically with me, Olivia, but you're in my head and my heart okay?"

I nodded quickly. "You're in mine, too."

"We've always been connected, you and me." he added, licking his lips. "Nothing is ever going to change that, and certainly not distance. I fucking love you, petal."

"I love you too." I whispered before repeating it louder. "I fucking love you too, Niall."

[dawninlatin]

Queen of Peace, chapter 9

A Manorian High School AU

Words: 2780

AO3 Link

Masterlist

Summary: Manon Blackbeak is flawless, untouchable. From the outside at least. Her grandmother pushes her to achieve greatness, and she doesn’t let anyone get too close in fear of being hurt. How can anyone love her when not even her parents could?

Dorian Havilliard has always felt safe and confident around his friends. He might not have the greatest of families, but with Aelin and Chaol by his side, nothing can go wrong. That is until he tries keeping his greatest secret from them.

What will happen when Dorian and Manon gets to know one another? Can two lost souls find their way back together?

Sometimes I wish for falling

Wish for the release

Wish for falling through the air

To give me some relief

-Florence + The Machine, Falling

«So what did you do yesterday? Since you’re doing your homework last minute.» Dorian looked up from his math homework to find Manon taking him in with an amused expression.

They were sitting in the busy coffee shop a few blocks from school, spending their shared free period eating lunch together. Or, Manon was eating lunch while Dorian tried his very best to finish the homework he’d forgotten to do last night.

A few weeks had passed since the two of them had agreed to be friends, and almost immediately they’d fallen into a rhythm. They got coffee after school, they hung out during free periods, they met up at the library to do homework together. Manon still claimed she only did this so Dorian would stop bugging her, but she’d been the one suggesting they go out for lunch today.

«Erhm-,» Dorian begun, debating whether the truth would make her laugh or make him lose his last shred of dignity or both, even. Fuck it, he decided and confidently stated, «I was up watching Riverdale.» If you’re losing your dignity, better do it with swagger.

It took Manon a while to actually register what he’d said, but when she did, she set down her coffee and let out a snort. A snort that quickly turned into her lilting cackle. One thing Dorian had learned over these past few weeks was that nothing made her laugh harder than his suffering, and to be honest, Dorian didn’t mind. Not at all. She was adorable when she laughed.

«You didn’t mean that? Right?�� Manon asked, suddenly all serious. «Please tell me you’re joking.» Dorian shot her a confused look.

«That show is literal trash,» she kept going once she realized Dorian had in fact not been kidding. «Sorry I changed my mind we’re not friends anymore, sorry, bye.» Manon even went as far as to start gathering up her things, but the barely-there smile playing on her lips told Dorian she was very much enjoying this.

«You just have to give it a try, it’s not that bad,» Dorian said, Manon sitting back down across from him. As he noticed a faint blush spreading on her cheeks, something in his head clicked into place. «You’ve watched it, haven’t you?»

Rolling her eyes, Manon answered, «Yes, but it was years ago. I watched a few episodes with Asterin.» Upon seeing Dorian’s smug expression, she quickly added, «Unwillingly.»

If it had been years ago…This time, Dorian was the one to break out into uncontrollable laughter. Oh my god, he thought, clutching his stomach. «You thought the first season was bad??» he managed to choke out. Manon only looked at him with a dumbfounded expression, having no idea what was so funny.

«I would give anything to see you watch season three and four. That’s when it really gets ridiculous,» Dorian explained, his laughter finally dying down. Manon chuckled and shook her head, returning to her half-full cup of coffee.

She stared out the window, and Dorian allowed himself to take her in, if only for a moment. There had been more and more of these moments over the past few weeks. Moments where she was looking a different way, moments where Dorian couldn’t stop his eyes from landing on her, moments where he found it impossible to look away. Dorian hadn’t let himself think about what it meant. Manon had been very clear from the beginning that they were only friends, and they would never be more than that.

Manon was like the sun, Dorian had decided. You knew you shouldn’t stare at it, but that was the exact reason why you did, why it was so hard to look away.

«Okay, but apart from Riverdale, have you watched anything good? I don’t watch much TV, but…» She never finished the sentence, seemingly lost in her own mind. Manon did that sometimes, trailing off to gods knew where. Dorian was certain it was a beautiful place.

Taking some time to think, Dorian tried to come up with a good show, sorting through the catalogue in his mind for something it was likely she had watched. Suddenly he thought of how she had loved reading a fantasy series, how eager she got whenever they discussed history or mythology. Hesitantly, he suggested, «Game of Thrones?» Manon’s eyes lit up.

«Yes!» She put down her empty cup. «Oh that was so good-»

«-apart from the final season,» Dorian finished.

A sigh. «Jon Snow deserved better.»

«I know. His storyline was a tragedy.»

Manon bit her lip, sinking further into her chair. «You know, I only started watching it because I thought he was hot.» She blushed, and Dorian couldn’t help but chuckle. «I stayed for the plot though. I swear!»

Same, Dorian nearly blurted out, before a voice in his head reminded him, Manon doesn’t know you’re bi. He wasn’t going to think about this now, so he shook his head and forced his signature smirk to appear, ignoring the sinking feeling in his gut.

«I still can’t get over the fact that you drink chocolate Frappuccinos with extra cream.» Smooth, Dorian, it definitely does not seem like you’re avoiding the subject of your shared fictional crush.

«Why?» she chuckled. «You expect me to order my coffee extra bitter so it matches my soul? While we’re at it, let me just gather up my things and head home to my cottage in the woods where I fly around on broomsticks and brew weird shit in cauldrons. My black cat must be tired of waiting.»

They were both laughing now, Manon’s dark, wicked sense of humor still taking him by surprise. «For real though, what do you do when you’re not at school or at dance practice?»

«Uhm,» Manon looked down at her shoes, suddenly uncomfortable. They hardly talked about serious stuff, private stuff. Dorian was ready to change the subject once more, but then she spoke: «I listen to music a lot, I guess.» A shrug.

«Anything good?»

«Doubt it, you seem like the type to listen to mainstream shit.»

«Please. And I bet your music isn’t as special as you think.»

«I bet you don’t know half of the stuff I listen to.»

«Why don’t you give me some examples?»

«Why don’t I send you a playlist when I get home?»

«Can’t wait,» Dorian smiled.

-

Gods, how difficult could it be to make a playlist?

Manon had been sitting with her laptop for an hour now, scrolling through her endless Spotify library to find the perfect songs. Nothing too mainstream, nothing too personal, nothing too impersonal. This was one hell of a challenge, she decided.

After narrowing it down to twenty songs she loved, after finding the perfect balance between upbeat and slow, between sad and happy, after meticulously arranging the order, making it not only a playlist, but a musical experience, Manon decided this would have to do.

Why do you care so much? She didn’t dare answer the question, too afraid of what the answer might mean. This was just her sending a friend a casual playlist.

Except it wasn’t. Nothing about her music was casual. It meant everything to her. Manon listened to music when she was happy, when she was sad, angry, whenever she felt lost and needed to be pointed back in the right direction. She listened to music when she was dancing, dreaming, disappearing. If one listened closely, her music revealed all her secrets, all her feelings, and for Manon, who was used to keeping it hidden away, locked in a box deep inside herself, sharing that with someone was terrifying.

But what terrified her the most right now, was that she actually wanted to share her music with Dorian. Being with him always left her feeling light and happy, she had started craving that feeling like a drug. And today…today when he had made her laugh so hard she’d had to set down her half-empty cup so as to not drop it, for a moment, Manon had imagined what it would be like to just lean in and kiss him. It would have been so easy, would have felt so good.

She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that moment, about what it meant. Was she falling for him? Was she actually that stupid?

The only solution, really, was to stop hanging out with him, to ignore her feelings until they went away. So why haven’t you done it yet? Why do you keep going back?

Besides, even if she wanted to be more than friends, there was no way he felt the same way. Sure, he kept joking about how their meet-ups were dates, but that’s all it was, a joke. Being in a relationship with Dorian also meant letting him see who she was up-close, and as soon as he saw the broken, messed up truth, he surely would want nothing to do with her. Better to spare herself the heartbreak.

Ugh, feelings.

Manon decided it was too late to brood over such complex questions. Instead, she typed a quick message to Dorian, linked the playlist and hit send before she could change her mind.

Manon: Here’s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order. 22:03

And just like that it was done. Manon waited a few minutes for a reply and when none came, she quietly said to herself, «Girl, get your shit together.»

She stood up, stretched, and stepped out of her room to turn of all the lights, ready to just go to sleep. Asterin still hadn’t come home, but it was late, so she probably wouldn’t show up at all. What a surprise, Manon thought to herself.

When she reached the living room, she spied Abraxos staring at her from one of the couches. Manon turned of the lights and the creature immediately leapt to where she was standing in the hallway. «What kind of cat is afraid of the dark?» Manon asked her companion, sighing at his antics. Abraxos only stared up at her as if she was the stupid one.

It was true that the cat was afraid of the dark. Ever since he was a kitten, Abraxos simply refused to be alone in a room if the lights were off. Manon found it equally confusing and adorable.

She walked back to her bedroom, Abraxos trailing her like a shadow the entire time. Laying back down on the bed, Manon picked up her phone to see if Dorian had texted back yet. She couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when there was no new messages.

«Calm down, it’s not as if he’s looking at his phone at all hours, just waiting for you to text him, you creep,» she said to herself.

Instead of waiting, she opened Spotify, plugged in her earphones, and pressed play on the list she’d just sent Dorian, contempt to shut out the world for a little while.

-

That afternoon, when he’d gotten home from school, Dorian had waited, and waited, and waited, for a text from Manon, including a certain playlist she had promised him. He’d stared at his phone for hours, like some creep, hoping her name would pop up.

Around 10pm he’d given up and opted for spending some electronics-free quality time with his family. His mom’s suggestion, not his. Dorian had lasted about 20 minutes, before he once again fled to his room.

Leaving his phone alone had worked it’s magic though, because when he reunited with it, there was a text from Manon waiting to be opened. He was so eager he typed the wrong passcode. Twice.

Manon: Here��s the playlist. It’s best enjoyed if you listen to it in the right order. 22:03

The text was written in typical Manon-style. No spelling errors, perfect language, no emojis, only periods. What kind of teen only used periods when they texted? Manon never seized to surprise him.

Dorian opened the link, finding a playlist full of songs and artists he’d never heard of before. Told you. He could almost hear Manon’s voice say it, a smug smile playing on her lips.

Plugging his earphones in, Dorian leaned back and pressed play. In the right order, obviously.

-

About an hour later, as the final song died out into nothing, Dorian let out a long exhale, giving himself a moment to just be.

He didn’t know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. It was all so personal, so full of emotion and passion. The complete opposite of what he would have expected from Manon.

Dorian knew this was important. He had been shown a vital part of her, a part he suspected she hadn’t shown anyone before.

Who are you?

It was a question he had asked himself over and over again over the past few weeks. Manon was a mystery, a puzzle, and all that music, all that insight, felt like the most important piece of them all.

Who are you?

Yet he wasn’t sure if this had given him answers, or more questions.

-

Manon listened through the entire playlist without being able to fall a sleep. She had too much on her mind, too many thoughts churning in her head.

Her phone buzzed from the nightstand, and Manon sat up abruptly, knocking over a stack of books as she fumbled around for her phone. They landed on the floor with a bang, waking Abraxos from his carefree slumber in the process. The cat jumped and glared at Manon, then turned his back towards her, settling down once more. Manon did the mature thing and stuck out her tongue at him.

She’d nearly forgotten about the phone in her hand, but glancing down at the screen, she saw Dorian’s name, her heartbeat quickening in response.

Dorian: Sorry for not replying til now but I heard through the entire thing and fine you were right I hadn’t heard any of it before and yes you do have fantastic taste in music pls send me more!!!!! 23:41

Manon chuckled at his enthusiasm, pleased at having been right. She was about to type a response when she heard the front door open, then the sound of someone trying to stay quiet as they made their way through the house. Asterin.

She expected her cousin to go straight to her own room, but instead, Asterin stopped in front of Manon’s door, slowly pushing it open. She must’ve thought Manon was asleep, because she jumped slightly when she found Manon sitting upright, taking her in with curiosity and annoyance.

«I’m s-sorry, I thought you were sleeping,» Asterin whispered, her voice cracking. The sound of shuffling feet. A sniffle. Was Asterin crying?

Asterin walked over to Manon’s bed, and Manon made room for her, sliding under the covers. Asterin soon joined her, and neither said a word, Asterin’s soft crying filling the room.

«Did something happen?» Manon asked at last, unable to handle her cousin’s crying for much longer.

«You can’t tell her,» Asterin sobbed, burying her head in the mountain of pillows.

«Can’t tell her what?» Manon knew Asterin meant their grandmother, the heavy feeling in her stomach told her so. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear the answer. It couldn’t be anything good. Had she and Hunter broken up? Had someone hurt her?

Asterin furiously shook her head. «You have to promise, Manon. She c-can’t find out!»

«I promise,» Manon sighed, clearly uncomfortable. She’d never been good at dealing with crying people.

Still, Manon let Asterin creep closer, let her bury her face in the space between Manon’s neck and shoulder. Putting her arms around her shaking, crying cousin, Manon asked once more, «What’s wrong, Asterin?»

Asterin went completely still, not saying anything. Manon waited, waited to the point where she was sure her cousin had fallen asleep.

As Manon closed her own eyes, Asterin whispered something that made Manon go rigid, the words so quiet you could barely make them out.

«I’m pregnant.»

«Shit,» was all Manon could answer. She tried her hardest not to think about what their grandmother would do if she found out, panic spreading throughout her body.

Asterin started sobbing once more, so Manon began stroking her back, telling her to breathe, telling her to calm down, pushing aside her own worry and fear, for now. «It’s going to be okay,» she whispered to Asterin, not believing her own words one bit.

A/N: Wow I haven't updated this in forever. Sorry....

But as an apology I do come bearing gifts. Not only is this chapter the longest yet, I also made a fic playlist if you wanna vibe<3 In the wise words of Manon Blackbeak, it is best enjoyed in the right order;)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3LFklksVGgX4X8LxoYzbbK?si=oC-3zOZMTC-B5Nd4C3QAZg

Also while I'm at it, a couple disclaimers:

- I have earlier made a lot of references to Harry Potter, but I will no longer do so, as I am not comfortable with referencing the work of an author who do not respect trans people. I hope you all understand this.

- Yes I mock Riverdale in this chapter and if you feel offended know that I will never understand how someone can actually enjoy that show but I DO respect you:)

As always, thank you sooooo much to everyone who takes the time to read, give kudos, like, reblog, write comments etc. For real I love you<3<3

Peace&Love<3 -Dawninlatin

[jimlingss]

Jungle Park [21]

Chapter 20 - Chapter 21 - Chapter 22

➜ Words: 4.5k

➜ Genres: Fluff, Light Humour (?), Slice of Life, Workplace Romance!AU

➜ Summary: The equation is simple. Hoseok needs to hire someone. You need a job. Except like any actual equation, it’s not fucking simple at all! Not when you have to add the fact that he was forced to hire someone he doesn’t want in his office, he has little respect for your job in general, and oh yeah...once upon a time you might have—*CENSORED*.

You love your job. Really you do. This is the best career you’ve had. It’s fulfilling and the administrative work can be rather fun. You adore every person in this office. You haven’t had many bad days or terrible encounters. You also get to work alongside your partner in crime. But this….this is one of the rare moments you have to convince yourself you love your job.

“Look it’s not that big of a deal.”   “Of course it’s a big deal! That’s my personal space that you’re invading. And last I checked, you don’t have to suffer the consequences of your own actions.”   “Okay, wait, wait.” You put out a hand, halting Yoongi and Sunyi’s argument with each other. “Let’s take a step back and assess the root of the problem.”   “The problem is that he microwaved something in my office and now I can’t even walk in without wanting to gag and puke!” Sunyi is both exasperated and hysterical.   “Ever heard of mung beans?” Yoongi’s brow lifts with a mocking smile that adds more fuel to the fire. “It’s quite healthy for you and it’s really soft when you heat them up.”   “They smell like death!” Her fist pounds against the conference table. Out of the corner of your eye and through the glass windows of the room, you catch Lisa and Dahyun looking over from their spot at the front desk. It’s like these two are in the middle of a divorce mediation appointment. “Why can’t you just use the microwave in the kitchen?”   “Jin microwaved popcorn. I don’t want my mung beans to smell like popcorn.”   “You are unbelievable! Get your own damn microwave!”   “Listen.” He spins in his swivel chair, pointing his index finger down at the wooden surface of the table. “Why do you have a microwave in your office anyways if no one can use it?”   “It’s my microwave in my office for my own convenience and for me to use. Not for you, Min!” she spits it out in animosity and her blood vessel at her temple threaten to burst. “Not for you or your damn mung beans! Stay out!”   “Alright!” You shout above them both, straining your voice and getting between them before it spirals more out of control. “Enough. If you can’t discuss the issue properly like adults without screaming then how are we supposed to do this?” A long sigh spills from your lungs. “I’ve heard both sides and Yoongi, I believe you should apologize to Sunyi. It is her microwave after all and you didn’t ask permission to use it. The microwave in the kitchen is working fine and that’s for everyone to use. There’s no need to barge into Sunyi’s office.”   “Okay.” He nods once. “I understand and I’m sorry, Sunyi.”   “That’s it?” The female lawyer looks at you, her arms in the air. “There’s no punishment for him?”   “Well...if there’s a second offense, I’ll look into proper consequences. It’s a warning for now. If you need air freshener, I have some you can borrow.”   Sunyi falls back, collapsing into the chair while rubbing her temples. “Oh my god.”   Today is a heavy session of conflict resolution. You and Hoseok were chatting about the two lawyers casually on the sofa one night and he decided to put an end to it once and for all. It was getting pretty ridiculous when over three quarters of the complaints were of Yoongi from Sunyi. There are a lot of investigations still pending, but it’s time to put everything in the open and find the root issue to address it and stop this nonsense. Hoseok was here, mostly to observe and give you moral support, but much to your dismay, the lawyer looked more entertained than anything.   “Okay. Let’s take a look at some older complaints.” Your foot moves the first box forward and you lean down, plucking a random page from the papers sandwiched inside, as if you were picking a name slip in the Hunger Games. Your throat clears. “On February sixteenth of this year, Yoongi was calling Sunyi by the name Sunny all day and confusing the client they were talking to.”   “It’s a cute nickname, right?” Yoongi asks no one in particular, more so a thought aloud.   “It’s not good if the client is confused,” Hoseok adds.   You put the filled form down. “Yoongi, you should call Sunyi by her legal name since that’s what she wants.”   “Okay.”   You turn to her. “Is that alright with you?”   “I...uh...yeah.” She nods, cheeks heating up, and no one notices her reaction except for Yoongi who smiles to himself.   You pick another. “Here’s one made on December twentieth. Yoongi was wearing too strong of a cologne and it was clogging up your nose and making it hard to breathe.”   Everyone turns to look at her, giving the female a chance for further explanation. But instead, Sunyi’s head is downcast and she fiddles with her fingers in her lap. “Ummm...can...can I actually redact that? I don’t mind...it doesn’t bother me anymore.”   “Redact?” Your brow shoots upwards. “Alright. Makes the job easier.”   Yoongi gazes at her, staring, and goosebumps raise along her skin from the mere intensity of his eyes. Unfortunately, you don’t notice the exchange. You’re too busy picking out another sheet while Hoseok is preoccupied checking you out and making you send a glare his way, to which he gives you a greasy smile and flirtatious wink.   “Okay. November second, Yoongi spammed you email after email asking if orange pee is normal.”   Hoseok butts into the conversation, concerned for his friend. “Did you go to the doctor?”   “Yeah and I’m fine.” He smiles.   Sunyi raises her hand timidly. “Can I withdraw that?”   “Sure.” You put it aside into the accumulating pile. “Here’s another one where you said he was out to get you and driving you insane—”   “Redact that please!” Sunyi interrupts and Yoongi smirks.   He’s still staring at her, elbow propped on the table, cheek in his hand. “I drive you insane?”   She ignores him, speaking directly to you. “I’d like to withdraw it.”   “Okay…”   Somehow Sunyi redacting a lot of the complaints, especially those that attack Yoongi’s general character, personality or behaviour. You’re baffled, wondering if something changed her mind or they reconciled on their own. Nonetheless, the session is fairly successful and the two of them are less hostile towards each other by the end.   Still, you privately tell Hoseok to talk to Yoongi since they’re both friends and you know the latter man respects the former. Hoseok agrees and in confidence speaks to Yoongi about not wasting time or bothering Sunyi anymore to which the dark-haired lawyer nods along with. Sunyi leaves soon after, thanking you and it’s a job well done.   You high five Hoseok but he considers it inadequate, pulling you aside when you’re both alone and he kisses you eagerly, murmuring about how hot you look when you’re working hard. You scoff, chiding for him to get back to work and he salutes you with a firm ‘yes, ma’am’.

The restaurant has a cozy atmosphere, dim lighting that comes from candlelights placed in the middle of tables. The chatter and murmur of conversations blurs together with the soft music, but it’s quieter in the secluded area. The scent of food wafting from the kitchen is appetizing and the quality is only imaginable considering the toasted bread and creamy butter the waitress brought out is already mouthwatering.   You imagine this would be a fancy, hot date between you and Hoseok. But nope. The person sitting across from you is Kim Seokjin who’s devouring the bread like a wild animal starved. You’re also jammed between Naul who sips on her glass of red wine, lost in thought like she’s seen too much in her lifetime, and Namjoon who has his fingers attached onto his phone.   Hoseok is sitting at the front of the table with Jimin, visibly more tortured than you are.   “Jin! What the fuck!” Lisa moves her arm away, shooting him a disgusting glare. “You’re slobbering! And butter just hit my fucking arm! Eat properly, you dog!”   “Look.” He chews, cheeks stuffed to the brim. “I haven’t eaten in literally five hours, okay? I’m starving and the food is taking forever!”   “Can we not swear in a fancy place like this?” Seulgi pleads with a long sigh. “It makes us look unsophisticated and uncultured.”   “Are we supposed to be sophisticated?” Taehyung moves his sunglasses down, looking over the rim of his dark shades.   “What the hell are you even wearing.”   “It’s fashion. Ask Namjoon!”   “Don’t ask me,” the legal assistant mutters while still tapping away at his phone.   Sunyi scoffs. “You’re wearing pajamas, Taehyung.”   “Pajamas are in. Right, Jungkook?”   “Uh...” The younger lawyer reaches for his glass of water, sipping through the straw and refusing to give an answer.   “I can’t believe you blow your money on shit like that.” Lisa shakes her head in disapproval, obviously judging his horrible tastes.   “Don’t tell me how to spend my money and I won’t tell you how to spend yours, Miss-I-get-a-pedicure-every-other-day.”   “Excuse you! It’s relaxing for me.”   “Well, shopping is relaxing for me.”   “I prefer online shopping,” Inyoung timidly murmurs, attempting to mediate the argument.   They ignore her, but Dahyun swoops in with a smile to acknowledge the accountant. “Same here.”   “Look, I’m sorry you fools have no fashion sense.” Taehyung leans back in his seat, arms on top of the other chairs beside him. “And if Namjoon was paying any attention, you would know that he has the exact same set as I do. We actually pre-ordered it together.”   Seulgi turns to her friend with a frown. “What are you doing, Namjoon?”   He doesn’t look away from the screen and she thinks he’s actively ignoring her, but then the corner of his mouth moves. “Texting my girlfriend.”   “What.” Everyone cranes their necks over to stare like they’re hyperactive dogs and he’s a bouncing squirrel. “Since when?”   “Since years ago. Haven’t I talked about her?” The paralegal pockets his mobile device and finally lifts his head, pushing his glasses up the slope of his nose before it slips too far. “She plays in the philharmonic orchestra.”   “No, you haven’t talked about it,” Jin spits at his best friend, absolutely appalled and shocked at this news. “What the hell…”   “Yeah, she’s nice.” Namjoon shrugs nonchalantly and it doesn’t do much to lessen the shock.   But it goes quiet as they mull over the new revelation. And Jimin takes the opportunity to stand up. “Alright, alright. Let me get everyone’s attention again. Fellow employees of Jung and Park, do you know why we’re all here on this lovely evening?”   “Food?” Jin jokes, but he’s all too serious at the same time. He looks around and his eyes pin on a waiter holding a plate...only for that waiter to brush past and head to a different table. Dammit.   “No. We’re celebrating Hoseok’s and my anniversary!” There’s a pause. “Of being called to the bar!”   “Right.” Naul nods and holds up her glass, congratulating him before downing the rest of her drink.   Jimin is not impressed. “Can we get some more enthusiasm in here?”   “To Hoseok and Jimin!” Yoongi holds up his glass of water and everyone mimics him, raising their glass. Each gives one monotonous and short shout and then rehydrates themselves, making you laugh and Jimin snicker.   He opens his mouth, but gives up, taking a seat again with an exhale. His partner, on the other hand, grins. “Would anyone like to make a toast?”   “I will.” Taehyung volunteers, happily taking the spotlight as he stands and holds his water with a boxy smile. “I have been working at this firm ever since it started and I’m so glad that you dragged and threatened me to be here, Jimin. You were right. I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed that tax firm….even if they paid me more and had better benefits and was a closer commute…..”   Both friends laugh and he turns to smile at the other lawyer. “Hoseok, you’re scary. When any of us make a mistake, you glare, but lately you’ve been a lot nicer and approachable. I just wanted to say that it’s okay if any one of us mess up. We’re human after all.”   No one knows where he’s going with the toast, only that he’s ballsy enough to be this direct to Hoseok and still stand in front of him. Though Taehyung has no malice in his voice, just idiotic joy and he inhales, looking carefully at everyone. “But I think we have to mention a very special someone who’s sitting at this table right now. Y/N!”   “Me?” You blink, dumbfounded.   “Yes.” His lips are tilted upwards, cheeks puffing out, too cute. “You are the backbone of our entire firm. I don’t know what we would do without you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for staying with us. Thank you for saving us from scary, scary Hoseok.”   He sits back down and Lisa jumps up. “My turn! First off, I want to congratulate my two bosses, Jimin and Hoseok. Jung and Park has been the best place I’ve ever worked at and even though I know my job is technically less important than all of yours, you have never once made me feel insignificant in the office. For that, I am grateful. Congratulations on your anniversary.”   “But…” She quickly moves on before anyone can stop her and applaud. “I also have to thank Y/N.” Lisa smiles and shifts to you, eyes twinkling. “I know we got off on the wrong foot and I wasn’t always the nicest. But you never once took that and used it against me. You listened to me when no one else would. You helped me during tough times. You feel like a ray of sun in the office. God knows before you came, everything was a mess.”   The receptionist laughs and the others agree, nodding along. “There were boxes everywhere and I couldn’t walk without bumping into anything. So, thank you, Y/N. You don’t know what you mean to all of us.”   She sits back down and Jimin protests, “Wait a minut—”   “Hold on.” Timid Inyoung stands, adjusting the length of her skirt before she picks up her glass and presses it to her chest, gazing at you endearingly. “I also want to thank Y/N.”   The girl is sincere and you’re smiling, tears filling your eyes, overwhelmed by their appreciation. “I know we’re all kind of doing this as a joke to take the light away from Jimin and Hoseok—” She glances at them with a soft laugh. “—but I really mean it. Y/N, you are the sweetest person I know and you were there for me during one of the scariest times of my life. Without you, I don’t know where I’d be right now. I don’t know what would’ve happened to me. You’re the one who sticks up for everyone in this office and I don’t think we tell you that enough. You’re the one who time and time again proves that you genuinely care about us. And for that, thank you.”   You’re speechless. “You guys…”   Jungkook clears his throat. He steps up as well. “Y/N, I know you already know this but, you’re my role model. I aspire to be someone like you, someone who works hard and is so passionate about their work. The office has been changed for the better ever since you arrived. Jung and Park wouldn’t be able to function without your...uh..presence….”   He’s blushing from the attention and awkwardly shuffles back into his chair.   “You guys, let’s not take the light away from what we’re actually here for.” Seokjin grins mischievously, pushing away his hunger and chaotically getting up, scratching the leg chairs against the floorboards. He looks at the front, eyeing both lawyers. “Hoseok...Jimin…” They’re both expectant and Jin lifts his glass higher. “...thank you for hiring Y/N.”   There’s laughing and chuckling all around. Jimin opens his mouth to whine at the audacity to treat him like this, but unknowingly, you interrupt, getting to your feet and scanning your surroundings to imprint this memory into your mind. “You guys, I’m absolutely flattered.”   “You’re the ones who make me love my job so much. To be completely honest, before I came here, I was having a difficult time. I was applying everywhere trying to look for jobs, but I never expected to land my dream career. You’re the best bunch I’ve ever had the opportunity of working with. I’m so lucky and sometimes I wonder if I deserve it all.”   “But let’s not forget about Jimin and Hoseok.” All jokes aside, you shift to address each of them. “Jimin, you’re sweet and generous to everyone regardless of who they are. Congratulations on your anniversary for being called to the bar. Thank you for needing an HR rep.” The lawyer giggles, smiling wide, finally having his proper praise.   “And Hoseok.” Your breath is caught in your throat and you’re focused on him, tunnel vision, everything else blurring into the background. “I don’t think you’re mean at all. Well, maybe sometimes. You’re passionate about your job and I admire that. If people got to know you better, they’d know you’re literal sunshine on this planet. Thank you for hiring me.”   There’s a pause where you take a deep breath, eyes locked into his. “Thank you for picking me...out of everyone else.”   Your speech is coming to an end and you spin on your heel to address the rest of them. “Also, I’d like to use this opportunity to remind everyone that the fridge is a communal space. This has been an issue for a while now, but please do not eat food if it’s not labeled as yours and if you don’t know, it never hurts to ask.”   There’s a round of applause and you sit back down, hands falling into your lap, slightly embarrassed from the whole ordeal. No one notices, but you can feel Hoseok’s gaze on you.   Jimin grins. “There we go! Finally, a proper toast!”   And like perfect timing would have it— “Food’s here!” Jin’s announcement garners cheers as waiters and waitresses approach the table, passing around the food. People begin to dig in and you take one look around at each person’s face, all too happy to be here.   Your eyes meet Hoseok and you smile. He quirks his head to the side as well, staring and smiling back.   //   The pair of you return to the office. Giggles and drunken laughter echo down the halls, fluorescent lights flicker on slowly, flooding the entire floor with light. You teeter inside, throwing your bag and coat onto a chair at the empty front desk as he follows behind.   “Did you have a good time?”   You spin around, arms thrown around his neck. “Course I did.”   “Everyone loves you.” Hoseok grins, searching your face. “You took the spotlight.”   You laugh again, leaning closer and tilting your head. His breath skims along your skin, lips a millimeter away and his hands find purchase on your waist. Hoseok’s eyes become half-lidded, flickering down to your mouth and his Adam’s apple bobs. “Now you really can’t fire me, Jung. Else there’d be a riot.”   He laughs softly. “You know how to capture people, minx.” And Jung Hoseok leans in, breathing you in. His eyes are slightly open, watching your expression until he shuts them, relishing in the tender touch, enjoying the way your hands run through the strands of his hair, tugging ever so gently.   You pull away after ten seconds. “Wait, wait….we said we wouldn’t do it at the office again. What happens if we get caught?”   “You really think anyone would come here at this time?”   “I don’t know.” You giggle, feeling ticklish by the way his hands move along your side. You play with the hairs at the nape of his neck, lips pouty. “We should’ve just gone to your apartment instead.”   “That’s too far away.” He moves closer, body pressed on yours and the air becomes heated, making your skin feel hot. “Would rather have you right here, right now.”   Another giggle spills from your kiss-bitten lips and you draw closer as if you’re addicted to his scent, his hands. But then something stops you from planting a kiss on his mouth. There’s a subtle clatter, like the sound of thunder, but quieter and yet, closer. “Hoseok.”   “Hmm?” He’s too busy staring, touching, taking you all in to notice.   “What was that?”   You both crane your necks over. He holds your hand, stalking the noise. It’s probably a bad idea. You’ve watched enough horror movies, and you don’t know what to do if the office is haunted; knowing Hoseok, he’d probably pick up and move Jung and Park to a warehouse instead.   The noise comes from Taehyung’s office and you frown. Hoseok extends his hand, fingers wrapping around the knob, and he throws the door open. It crashes against the wall. You gasp. Eyes wide. Jaw dropping. There are clothes all over the ground, a small lamp fallen on the carpet as well, probably the noise you heard.   More importantly, on top of Taehyung’s desk, with papers amok is Sunyi and Yoongi wrapped around each other.   “Oh my god!” — “Holy fuck!” — “Don’t stare!” — “Sorry!”   It’s horrifying. You wish you saw a ghost instead.   //   The need to wash your eyes is all too high. But you compose yourself, trying to act like an adult, especially in this moment. You’re sobered up. If possible, the intoxication has been scared out of you.   The conference room is deathly quiet. Hoseok called for an emergency meeting and the two lawyers are barely put together. There are purple and blue hickeys all over Sunyi’s throat, her blouse still unbuttoned. Yoongi has lipstick stains all over his mouth and cheeks, hair riled up like he was electrocuted. It’s so unbearably uncomfortable that you feel yourself dying inside.   “How long has this been going on for?”   You’re the first to start off with a crystal clear voice, enunciating each syllable with your hands clasped on top of the table. “It’s complicated.” Sunyi is mortified, face reddened, head downcast. “It’s been...on and off.”   “When’s the first...time then?” It’s not like you want to intrude into their lives or overstep your boundaries, but this is unfortunately part of your job. You can’t pretend like you didn’t see it.   “Two years ago,” Yoongi states plainly, more composed than the female beside him.   “Years?” Hoseok’s brows shoot upwards, wholly surprised.   “This is purely a sexual relationship,” Sunyi scrambles to explain as if it can save the situation.   “Yeah right.” He scoffs, looking at you to explain. “We’re dating.”   She automatically protests, voice moving up a pitch, sharp and offended, “No, we’re not!”   “Then what do you describe going out ten times to movies and dinners? What? Are we friends?”   “It’s not dating. It’s just...hanging out...or rather, being at the same place by coincidence.”   Yoongi scoffs again, ignoring her. “We’re living together.”   “No!” She sighs. “I just have a lot of my stuff at his apartment and it happens to be closer to work than my place and my landlord is an asshole—”   “Alright.” Hoseok stops them before he gets a headache. He pinches the bridge of his nose, letting them off the hook considering how late of a night it is. “Obviously you need to talk to each other and figure this out. I don’t care what you guys are doing on your own time and neither does Jimin, but we need to know to prevent liability issues, okay? You’re both lawyers and you should understand that. So go home, figure it out, and in the morning, go report to HR.”   Sunyi nods frantically, grabbing her coat and covering herself up, walking out before she’s humiliated any further. But as you all make your way, Yoongi’s cat-like eyes are sharp and narrowed into slits. It sees right through you. “But...why did you two show up?”   He inhales a shallow breath and the corner of his mouth tugs, like they’re tempted to pull into a smirk. He knows.   “I had to pick something up.” Hoseok swallows hard, pupils diverted elsewhere.   Yoongi smiles and he glances at you for a millisecond. “Sure. Let’s go with that.”   “Goodnight, Yoongi.”   The pair of you watch them leave, still unable to wrap your minds around this bizarre development. Then, a tired exhale leaves through the seams of your lips. “I’m going to have to do another presentation on office romances and not having sex here, right?”   “Probably.” Hoseok nods, still looking ahead at the elevator doors with you. “But right now, we have unfinished business.”   “If you think for one second that after that we’re going to your office—”   “To my apartment we go!” Hoseok laughs, clutching your hand in his and dragging you off as your mouth curls and a soft scoff leaves it.   The trip to his place isn’t as bad as you thought it would be. Well, considering Hoseok kicks the front door open and he’s carrying you. You didn’t have to take many steps, but he was slightly struggling, almost crashing into the wall and wobbling from side to side. “Oof.”   “I thought I was light as a feather, Hobi.” You make fun of him, tugging on his chubby cheek and mimicking his words from inside the apartment elevator.   Still, the fool of a lawyer manages a laugh and a grin. “You’re heavy as one brick. So not that much.”   “Lovely. Comparing me to a brick.”   Once he’s made it to the bedroom, he throws you onto the mattress, making your body bounce once and you feel absolutely giddy from head to toe. He strips off his jacket before jumping on top of you, causing laughs to bubble out. You complain he’s too heavy and too warm, pushing him off.   But even when Hoseok’s moved aside, he’s relentless, arms wrapping around your abdomen, nuzzling into you. A quiet yawn leaves him and he cuddles into your body, head propped on top of your crown. “Y/N…”   “Hmm?” Your lashes flutter, finally simmering down.   “Wanna just sleep instead? You’re too soft to let go. Like a pillow.”   “Okay.” Your hands card through the strands of his hair, patting and petting him. The man who’s melted into putty hums in satisfaction, reminiscent of a cat being lulled by their owner. “But Hoseok.”   “Yeah?”   “I still need to brush my teeth. And take off my makeup. And change into pajamas.”   There’s silence.   You wonder if he’s fallen asleep. “Hoseok?”   “Yes, ma’am.” He pulls away, albeit reluctantly and obviously tired. Yet somehow, he manages to scoop you up in his arms again, carrying you into his bathroom to get ready for bed. He’s all too silly and as you laugh, you wonder how it’s possible sunshine has been encapsulated into one man.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 245: The Second One

Previously on BnHA: We kicked off day one of New Internships with a fun-filled morning of shenanigans. Highlights included: (1) an old bearded man gallivanting around town telling everyone the world is going to end (and making a surprising amount of sense); (2) Bakugou and Deku attempting to rough up a group of impassioned hobos, only to have their thunder stolen from right underneath their noses; and (3) Hawks, the thunder-stealer himself, who proceeded to be all “what’s up fellas, hey Endeavor did you miss me?” Endeavor, who totally did miss him, pretended like he had not, and meanwhile Hawks introduced himself to Endeavor’s new trainees: Finger-Smashing Kid, Kid Who Used To Work For The Guy You Just Murdered, and Shouto (Just Shouto). Then he pulled out a copy of Re-Destro’s book and was all, “hey Endeavor have you heard of this book which was really important to the plot in the previous arc? I think you should read it, for reasons!!” and Endeavor just kind of stared at him, which wasn’t exactly inspiring. Anyways let’s see if these two idiots can manage to pull this off.

Today on BnHA: Hawks shoves the Liberation Army’s book into Endeavor’s hands while staring at him with the intensity of a thousand suns, and then, to avoid suspicion, proceeds to hand out another 500,000 copies of the book without even being asked. He then flies back to the PLF headquarters and is all “good news gentlemen, I gave out copies of the Army’s book to everyone in Japan!” and they’re all “that’s great, Hawks!” because somehow it turns out that this was actually a good plan. Back at the Endeavor Agency HQ, the kids meet Endeavor’s 30+ other sidekicks, who are all “now let’s all stand around and wait for Endeavor to tell us what to do.” Over in his office, Endeavor shrewdly deduces that Hawks was trying to tell him something, and pieces together the hidden code Hawks left in his book, which basically reads “IN FOUR MONTHS WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.” Back at the PLF, the League cheerfully discusses their plot to blow up the entire world come Springtime. Which apparently everyone is on board with. So, uh, does anyone else feel like they accidentally fell asleep during a really important part of the movie, because uh. What.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity afterward, and added a few ETAs in the process, but aside from that there are no changes.)

okay so two things: (1) as I mentioned in a previous post, Caleb Cook reported that this chapter took him more than 4 times longer than usual to translate. so like, what does that mean?? guess we’re about to find out!

and (2) HAWKS’S REAL NAME. I started typing up this recap early just so I could liveblog my reaction, since it seems that the databook has leaked, and I figure I’m going to stumble across this sooner rather than later. so I’m just going to look it up now here goes!!

AHHHH TAKAMI KEIGO AHHHH

lol. I have no idea what that actually means. let me look up some more stuff about this

oooh thank you reddit!

ooh damn, I love it!? “hawk” + “vision” lolol HORIKOSHI BACK AT IT AGAIN. but “watchman” is a really nice bonus what with how it relates both to the whole spying biz, and in a more general sense toward what he is trying to do as a hero trying to protect society. plus the name “Keigo” just has a really nice sound to it in general. kind of a boyish, youthful sound. not too hard or soft. idk. I like it. that was my favorite character in Bleach too

also apparently both of the kanji used for “Keigo” mean “enlightenment” oooh. my god I could analyze this all day. this being Thursday night, I’ll have some time to ruminate before I read the chapter tomorrow, so if I have any epiphanies I will add them in later!

(ETA: no additional thoughts on this right now, but there is now a ton of other content out from Ultra Analysis, so let’s take a quick look at some of that!

Haagen Dazs’s gender:  I now feel vindicated in continuing to refer to him as a “he” even after the face reveal! let this be a lesson to everyone never to judge a shounen character solely by how pretty they are. not that it wouldn’t have been nice to have another female villain! anyways the important thing is that I still don’t have his name memorized and never will!

Thirteen’s gender?!: now this, I don’t really like. Thirteen was already in the previous databook IIRC and their gender was ambiguous. which to be frank was awesome. having a canon nonbinary character was sick. why you gotta do this now Horikoshi smdh.

Reason for Shouji’s mask: nooooo poor Shouji. people in quirk society are jerks! lol I get the arms being scary, but his face?? now I really want to see what he looks like though. it would be cool if he became more accepting of himself as a result of hanging with his chill classmates and decided to ditch the mask. anyways my boy needs a hug.

and there’s a lot of other stuff, including a whole series of cute segments showing the characters’ relationships with each other, but I think I’ll save those for another post because otherwise this would get way too off-track. but man, so far I’m really loving this.)

okay kiddos. it is now Friday, and time to take our horse to the hype town road. I have been waiting all fucking week for this shit so it had better not disappoint!

“Rising to Action” ooh, nice. guess this is not much of a “sit still” gang, here

okay so we’re picking off right where we left off, and guys, I just need to know, does anyone other than me find this kind of hilarious

like, I don’t know why but just. Endeavor’s face. omg. he just looks like he’s trying so hard to figure out what’s wrong. I think what it is is that this is the exact same bemused/perplexed expression that Shouto gets on his face all the freaking time, and it just tickles me to no end that the apple apparently doesn’t fall far from the tree. ahh Shouto I know you don’t want to hear this but damn boy you look like your dad

anyways. I think we can all agree Endeavor should not be looking this adorable and what the hell. let’s move on

LOOOOOOL

why is this so funny ahhhhhhh. they’re so fucking serious please stop. I mean, but of course they’re serious, though. the weird one is me, right? whatever!

so now here’s the handoff. between these two super-serious dudes

Endeavor you had better not do like me and be all “of course I’ll read it!” fully intending to follow through (really!) but then you never do and everyone is super disappointed and you start to read something else instead, all the while feeling incredible guilt! my point is, Endeavor, I hope you don’t have ADHD or we’re all fucking screwed omg

lol though thankfully we have a backup!

“oh boy!” clamors Deku, a gleam of excitement in his eye. “homework!”

OH MY GOD

WHO ARE YOU, OPRAH

ff now he’s just SLAPPING THEM INTO THEIR HANDS omg. this is amazing

love how Katsuki is keeping an extra 1.5 meters of space in between him and the others because cooties. or something

anyways! I really want them all to read it actually so this is awesome! KACCHAN YOU ESPECIALLY. I want you to read it and then give it a disgusted 1 star review on goodreads. show me how much you’ve grown kiddo

lmaooo

Todoroki Shouto. god’s perfect idiot. bless this child. someone explained Occam’s razor to him one day, and he just sat there nodding like “yes that makes perfect sense” and proceeded to apply it to every fucking thing in his life from there on out. “what’s Hawks doing carrying around 10,000 copies of The Book of PLF and just handing them out to strangers like an old lady on Halloween? processing... processing... oh I see, he probably just REALLY LIKES THE BOOK how keen”

this is what Hawks is up against. this squad of certified morons with two whole brain cells shared among them on a good day. boy literally brought three backup secret messages just in case Endeavor was too dense to figure this out, only to watch these kids exclaim, with perfect sincerity, “GOSH, HAWKS MUST REALLY LIKE THIS BOOK, HUH”

and meanwhile the best Endeavor can do is “............something.......... feels.... off.......” fml. we’re all gonna die. Hawks, I’m sorry. you tried!! next time give Momo your secret message instead!

so now he says that he’s actually recommending this book to all of his acquaintances omg. don’t tell me this handsome canary is actually going around handing out books to every single person he knows?? all to cover up this one action of giving Endeavor the book with the secret message highlighted in it?? okay guys help me decide: is this brilliance or stupidity? like, what is even going on inside Hawks’s head. “I’ll just fly around handing out copies of Atlas Fucking Shrugged to everyone I meet. that’ll seem really natural”

I s2g Endeavor if you don’t follow up on this...! THE WORLD IS COUNTING ON YOU YOU BIG MEATHEAD. GET TO READIN’. MAKE LEVAR PROUD

and now Hawks is flying away with his hands in his pockets

godspeed you dramatically casual bastard

now Deku is all “you know, he’s not much older than us, but he really seems like he’s got his shit together!” which, yeah. don’t you hate that? the truth is though it’s all an act, and he’s actually just as screwed up as the rest of you! the moral is: never trust any 22-year-old who seems like they’ve got their shit together. because, no. he sits on a throne of lies

Endeavor are you actually being thoughtful??!

oh my god. we may actually have a chance here. praise be

now we are cutting to the Endeavor agency! guys, fucking look at this fucking ‘E’, though

ngl that shit is dope. I’m mad. I would buy his merch just for the logo and I hate that about myself

holy shit

the... flaming hot... oh my god

holy shit there’s so many of them

(ETA: hold up -- “Bakugou” and “Shouto”? this is a crucial detail here; they’re using Bakugou’s last name, but Shouto’s given name. so either they’re calling him Shouto because they know his pop, or -- more likely -- they’re calling him “Shouto” because that’s his hero name. in which case, “Bakugou” most likely also refers to “Bakugou” as in the hero name, not his actual name. meaning that still is his hero name. meaning he is still undecided. fucking... Katsuki. honey. why.

ffff and the new databook seems to support this too. instead of a hero name, Horikoshi just wrote “XXX” indicating he still hasn’t made up his mind. welp. looks like it’s back on that slow burn character development train, folks. maybe by the end of this arc, though? please? Horikoshi? Horikoshi damn it look at me.)

so this is how the number one operates, huh. meanwhile All Might only ever had one sidekick, and reluctantly at that. he really was so far out ahead of everyone else that he was basically untouchable. crazy

anyways, yes! they don’t know anything about anything so please teach them!

good grief this girl says Endeavor has over thirty sidekicks?? lmao and her name is “Burnin’.” please tell me the missing g is an actual part of her name please I need this

wow, Burnin’ really went and tried to pick a fight with my famously hot-tempered son knowing full well what his personality is like. and just look at him keeping his cool and firing back though

oh, Katsuki. [hair ruffle] he will thrive here

damn these guys are passionate

Endeavor seriously picked these people as his sidekicks? that Endeavor? they didn’t annoy the shit out of him?? that man is an enigma

btw can we all just stop here for a moment and give a shoutout to this horse-looking dude because. look at him. amazing. new fave

anyway so now the mummy-looking guy is explaining how they organize their shift schedule

so professional. this really is the big leagues

yoooooo my boy is FIRED UP. READY TO SAVE SOME BITCHES! YESSSSS WIN AND RESCUE LET’S DO THIS

LET’S FUCKING GOOOO omg I love him so much. Kacchan you need to cool it or I’m going to spend this whole fucking chapter ruffling your hair

(ETA: incidentally, here’s something I neglected to point out earlier: in spite of being a belligerent asshole in general, Katsuki for the most part is actually surprisingly respectful to most adults, especially heroes. so it’s interesting then that so far, this doesn’t seem to apply to Hawks. he almost seems to consider him another rival rather than another mentor/teacher-type figure to learn from. I wonder if this is because -- as Deku pointed out earlier this chapter -- Hawks is much closer to them in age than the other heroes. it’s interesting that that was pointed out -- and that in the very next panel Katsuki was grumbling about how Hawks pisses him off, at that.

anyway. this BakuHawks rivalry seems to be an established thing now, so I’m very curious to see how this develops.)

lol now Mummy Guy is all “that’s great! now we just need to wait for Endeavor to tell us what to do!” and Kacchan is like “WHAT”

I mean, he’s got a point lol. “we’re so busy!” “great let’s get to work!” “actually we don’t have any work yet!” like, what a fucking tease. don’t worry Kacchan, they’re just waiting to make sure they assign you boys a job that’s plot-related so we don’t waste any time

ahhh, and now we finally come to the moment we’ve all been waiting for! the part that apparently took four hours to translate! ENDEAVOR READING A BOOK

yeah he was acting like he had a freaking gun to his head. why don’t heroes have secret code phrases they can use to let each other know some weird fucking shit is up? or maybe they do, but since he’s being recorded and since PLF has some heroes on roster who probably know those same codes (looking at you, Slidin’), Hawks didn’t want to risk one of them figuring it out. that makes sense

ahhh, here we go

don’t tell me Caleb tried to translate this whole thing. though I gotta admit I am hella curious

anyway. so the rest of this page is Endeavor metaing about Hawks, and it’s some good stuff, ngl

he really is fond of him, huh. look at all those pictures. how many mental snapshots did you take of this kid smiling?? he’s so adopted it hurts

and look at the concern in that last panel! “why is he acting so weird, that’s not like him, I’ve got to get to the bottom of this.” damn, Hawks really did put his trust in the exact right person and it’s paying off

ENDEAVOR STOP MAKING THESE SOFT WORRIED FACES ABOUT HAWKS RIGHT THIS INSTANT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THESE FEELS

god damn!! I don’t know why, but I continue to be surprised and impressed at how the character development of Endeavor is actually a subscribe and save deal and not just a one-time purchase. fucking look at Todoroki Enji, proud annual recipient of a different “world’s worst dad” mug every Father’s Day, actually caring enough about another human being to notice the subtle changes in his behavior and realize something is wrong. bruh. good for you!! human compassion is a damn good look for you, negl. fucking growth right here and I’m here for it

anyways, on to the hidden code!

and here are all of the highlighted portions for your code-breaking pleasure

fucking feel like I’m reading Detective Conan right now. yeesh

oooh!

BINGPOT LOOOOOL WHY DID I GET SO EXCITED OKAY LET ME GO BACK AND READ!

“the” “enemy” “liberation” “army” ahhhhhh! HAWKS YOU SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH. GOOD JOB ENDEAVOR!

and now we’re cutting back to Hawks, nooooo I wanted to see Endeavor’s reaction! come on!

lmao although it’s worth it to see Hawks mentally roasting Endeavor exactly like I was mere pages ago omg

his fucking face omg. that’s right Hawks, he’s not the brightest crayon in the box. not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board. he’s a few fries short of a happy meal. the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor

but give him some credit, though! because he did figure it out! not necessarily because he was clever, but because he knows you!

oh shit lol

OH SO YOU PLANNED THAT PART TOO. WELL OKAY THEN

goddamn. he really is a clever bastard. and okay but in all seriousness, I fucking love that he has enough faith in this weird connection between them that out of all the ploys he could have gone with, this is what he chose. he seriously put all his eggs in the “Endeavor will figure it out from my face” basket. and it fucking paid off. this is awesome

AHHHHHHHHHHHH HERE WE GO

LOOK AT HIS EYE OH MY GOD. YOU CAN SEE THE EXACT MOMENT WHEN HE REALIZES HOW SCREWED THEY ALL ARE, YES, FUCK, THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR OH GOD

and we’re cutting back to Hawks again! I’ll just assume the rest of his message went something like “we” “are” “boned” and Endeavor’s face was like :o

BACK AT THE OL’ VILLAIN HOTEL!!!

LOL WHAT IS THIS

THEY HAVE A FUCKING COUNCIL NOW

whose seat is that over on the left? Hawks’s? is Gigantomachia actually wearing a shirt?? AND SHOW US TOMURA’S FACE HORIKOSHI YOU COWARD

lmao oh my god are they really buying this shit

look at him. so trustworthy. nothing to suspect over here! just a 100% sincere born-again villain committed to the cause!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NOOOOOO MY BABIES ARE EXPOSED. HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER PROTECT THEM I SWEAR TO GOD!!!

wow is the whole conversation just shifting over to the topic of Deku now, seriously?

oh my god oh my god oh my god. like. it’s been so long since the forest lodge and Kamino that I almost forgot that the League already knows these kids. they did fight Deku and Shouto briefly in the woods, and then they had an extended fight against Katsuki later on, although Dabi was unconscious for that part. anyways, shit. just like that they’re on their radar again I’m getting chills omgggg

(ETA: at least they’re underestimating them, though. “looks like he hasn’t gotten much stronger.” boy have you not heard about his bloop? that bloop will fuck you up just you wait!)

so now have some weird panels of Hawks walking through a door

(ETA: ohhhh you can see the door closing on the tip of his wing close-up! sneaky!)

ooh! wtf are you serious he can use his feathers to eavesdrop?!

(ETA: it only just clicked on my second read-through that Spinner of all people appears to be the mastermind behind this plan? like, am I reading this right? is he Tomura’s second-in-command now or what? damn, boy, good for you.)

okay, question. if he could do this the entire time, why did they even need him to pretend to join the League at all? I guess you never know when having a man on the inside who can possibly influence their decision-making will come in handy. but still, it seems to me like he could have easily done the spying bit without ever having to join up. ehhh but I guess there’s probably a range limit, and too much risk of the feathers getting caught and destroyed... eh, fine. I’ll allow it

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT EXCUSE ME WHAT?????

AND OF COURSE THAT’S THE END OF THE CHAPTER, LOL, FUCK. EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO STAND IN A CORNER AND SCREAM

lol “danger lurks” fucking you think?? what the hell! so they have an actual plan already, with the details outlined to the extent that they actually have a freaking timetable and everything? and the Liberation Army is on board with this whole thing too? the “destroying everything” part and all? this is too much to process all at once fuck me I can’t

okay! so four months from now is also when the kids will enter their second year! so that means Shinsou can get in on this action too. I’m trying to think of other significant plot things this could potentially imply, but none are coming to mind right now, other than it’ll be the anniversary of USJ. but that’s basically it. -- oh, wait, this also means that there’ll be a new first-year class of students at U.A. too! so that could be interesting. some potential new characters, and a chance for Deku and the others to be senpais. incidentally, to the best of my knowledge the kids will all stay in the same class and Aizawa will continue to be their homeroom teacher in year two. so nothing will change really aside from them becoming 2-A rather than 1-A. and Shinsou joining them, as mentioned. omg

anyway! let me see, any other stray thoughts before I wrap this up? I guess it’s worth noting that Toga’s eye is fine. the League has healed up pretty nicely in general actually. like, that’s seriously impressive for a group that doesn’t have Recovery Girl on staff. how long has it even been since Deika? a few weeks? this is almost ridiculous

and the “boom” -- is that literal? like they’re actually planning to blow everything up? or is that a metaphorical boom. fucking what kind of plan did they come up with where they actually think they can destroy THE ENTIRETY OF JAPAN all at once? is there a doomsday device?? what exactly is this “power” they’re talking about? HAWKS WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR STUPID MESSAGE YOU BOOB

hahaha. anyways. it came down to the last two pages, but that certainly was a reveal worthy of all the hype. to sum: yikes

[salty-donut-collecter]

Why Stay?

Act II, Part One

Twenty-Seven   {Masterlist}   Part Two

Chapter Word Count: 1,652

Trigger Warnings: Anxiety mentioned, yelling, talk about bones breaking, insults

Please tell me if I need to tag anything else :)

*Also, I’m planning on having this story as a slow burn, so please be prepared :)

Prompts: “Do I look like I give a fuck?”, “I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I’m feeling a lot of  it.”, and “Not to dictate your life, but drop your shitty friends.”

A/N: It’s been a bit, but I’m glad I have a system for this stuff now! Lmao this story is gonna have you guys dying, but I hope you like it nonetheless. 

Happy reading! (Also, feel free to comment your thoughts! I love reading comments :))

Also, if you’d like to be added to the tags list, please let me know! :D

_____________________________________________________

You woke up on Saturday morning, a headache forming as you tried to remember what you’d dreamed.

“Whatever,” you mumbled, getting up and stumbling around in the dark until you got into the dark hallway.

Jesus, what time is it? You wondered, looking around at how dark it was. You looked at your smartwatch (something Katie had left in your room for Christmas), sighing as it read 1:22 am because you knew there was no chance you would be able to go back to sleep now.

Okay… you took a deep breath, I guess today is just going to be a lot longer than planned.

And indeed it would.

Now, you didn’t really think the day was long…. Until Micheal called a “family meeting”, which really just meant y’all had to sit in a room and listen to him before discussing a topic he’d introduced. (The last topic you’d witnessed was furries and kinks because he wanted to see Steven die a little on the inside. (You all know he’s a kinky bastard at heart))

You sighed, wondering how long this one would take because you’d been getting ready to try and sleep again. However, you were intrigued to find he was holding a meeting in one of the kitchen rooms, which was just a room with a huge ass table that could fit the whole family. (So this would be the equivalent to a normal family’s kitchen table.)

You sighed and made your way up there, making sure to be the last person in the room so you could sit next to Micheal, letting Maverick take the right side, while you sat on his left.

“Okay, so I know it hasn’t been that long since Y/n’s been back,” Micheal gave a little eye roll, “Buut, I also don’t care.” he shrugged, holding a hand around his torso in a way you found particularly interesting.

“So, due to my inability to give a shit, and my abundant need to call family meetings, I decided to quell my raging curiosity,” Micheal smirked a little, clearing his throat and demolishing all visible joy as quickly as it came. He then proceeded to open his jacket, extract a familiar folder from under his shirt, and toss it far onto the table, where it flew open and spread its’ contents out for everyone to see.

“So,” Micheal looked at you, his contact lenses red because he was into that, “Care to tell me what this is?”

You had no doubt in your mind that he had already read it, and been furious about it. This told you he already knows everything in that folder by heart, and he was ready to both defend you, and rip the team a new one, which was something you actually found refreshing.

“It’s a file of the information I gathered to quell my own curiosity, actually.” You mused, sitting back and letting your feet sit up on the table. Your chair tipped a bit, but you didn’t mind it much.

Clint was doing the same things, actually. You had a small leaning competition as the conversation continued.

“What were you curious about?” He asked, already knowing the answer.

You smirked, taking a break from you small competition as you sat upright again, “I thought you had powers, actually, and no one gave me the answers I needed to make a proper conclusion.” You shrugged, “So I looked into it myself and got kicked out of the Teen Titans.”

Steve glared at you, “Nobody kicked you out, Y/n. You left because you didn’t want to face the consequences of your actions.”

You chuckled, “Sorry, I didn’t know getting my jaw broken by your shield in a world I made just for you was an invitation to stay and continue to be an Avenger…” You looked up quizzically, “Come to think of it, accusing me of killing people behind your back because I’m an apparent rage monster also didn’t seem like a part of the welcome wagon-- wow, Steve, if you’re so good with etiquette and I’m so bad with it, you should probably teach me-- oh wait, you did, didn’t you? After I’d just gotten here? I’m sorry I failed as a student. It’s just so--”

“Y/n, that’s enough.” Rhodey deadpanned, glaring at you from next to an already peeved Tony. Guess they didn’t get much sleep either. “We’re all happy to have you back, trust me.”

Clint laughed, “Wow, Rhodey, that’s rich!” he sat up, arms softly landing at the table as he looked at the Iron Patriot, “You really wanna go down that route? The whole: yeah, we’re happy to see you again, even though we literally accused you of being a psycho killer last time we talked, but hey! It’s all good now, right? Cause Jesus Christ dude!” Clint laughed, “She literally ran around the fucking w o r l d so she could get a break from our fugly mugs. So I say we give her one. There’s no need to drag this on, Steve.  Little girls wouldn’t be leaving Christmas presents in her room if she was a horrible person.” Clint rolled his eyes, already done with the conversation that’d just started.

“Barton, we’re trying to--” Vision started

“Don’t give me that logical bullshit cause that’s not happening right now. You, Vision, can logic your way into and out of this, but them? Yeah, no. They don’t have the goals you do, and it’s fucking time you realize how biased they are.”

“Okay, but my husband was literally the Winter Soldier.” Steve deadpanned.

Clint gave him the weirdest smile, “And he had a type of microsurgery done on him that was very painful and unsafe to get HYDRA out of his head.” his smile dropped, “We fucking been knowing about your husband, Steve. The thing is, no one cares anymore because he took care of that problem as a consenting adult.”

“I don't need a surgery.” You gave the people at the table a weird look, wondering if the kids should’ve been invited to this conversation. You felt a small finger tap your lower shoulder. You flinched, but calmed down when you saw Katie.

She motioned for you to come closer, so you leaned down to her level.

“Can I sit in your lap?” She whispered, lifting her arms up so you could lift her.

You chuckled, “Of course, my smol bean.” you replied, gently grabbing her under her armpits and lifting her into your lap, where you’d crossed your legs so she’d be comfortable. You looked over to see Chloe itching at her arms. She’s getting anxious.

“Okay but guys,” Micheal’s voice somehow transpiring over everyone else’s with great intensity. “You’re failing to answer my question.” He looked down at you, as if knowing something you should know too. (Really you thought of it as only half of “sharing a knowing look”)

You just shake your head, nothing coming to mind for now. He also shook his head, disappointed in you for some reason.

Micheal turned to the rest of the adults, looking peeved as per usual.

“Why. Didn’t. You. Tell. Me?” He asked, changing the question to better their ability to answer.

Everyone was quiet. The less everyone spoke, the more upset you got with their inability to take responsibility for their forgivable mistakes. You understood the fact that it was a hard thing to do sometimes, but this was getting fucking ridiculous.

“Okay, I get that this is hard for you but honestly grow the fuck up.” you snapped, your eyes rolling as you moved Katie over a little bit. It’s not like you needed to be screaming in her ear-- she didn’t do anything wrong and was too cute for that anyway.

“Y/n there’s more to this than--” Stephen started, but the excuses were honestly too annoying to listen to again.

“That I obviously know about cause I’m a stupid teenager.” You angrily sighed, “So I’ve heard. However, I’ll also say that we can’t do shit about the other things at hand if you’ve never bothered to-- I dunno-- talk about them?” You huffed, your knee bouncing as you try to maintain your composure. Katie is looking more anxious by the minute.

“Y/n, will you be okay?” Katie asked.

You gave her a sorrowful look. You were almost mad at Micheal for bringing her and Chloe into this.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay sweet pea,” you assure her, sounding sweeter than honey on top of Turkish delight.

Your gaze returned to the conversation at hand, which had actually gotten really heated within the couple of seconds you’d left for. Okay then.

“I don’t have to explain myself to an overgrown lab rat.” Stephen snapped, pointing at Pietro from his place at the table.

You stood up, Katie in your arms for only a moment before you quickly set her down. “Stephen, we don’t need to turn this into a fight.” You cautioned, your eyes starring the Master of The Mystic Arts with a flash of anger.

“She’s right, Stephen.” Tony was also standing, looking at Strange with quite the opposite look. You hadn’t seen Tony look that concerned for someone in a while.

The air was tense. Having so many emotions in one room was bound to create trouble, but the type of trouble was a mystery to everyone, causing a subtle fear that only stirred the pot more.

“Stephen, what kind of trouble are you talking about?” Steve jumped in, also standing.

You were surprised by his random aid to your side of the argument, but you decided that it was the least of your worries right now. Your hand gently squeezed Katie’s, momentarily reassuring her after hearing her softly whimper.

Stephen glared at Steve, as if wondering if he should answer him honestly, or tell him to shut the fuck up because he’s been nothing but unhelpful this entire time.

Well, you were screwed.  

_____

Taglist: @introvertedsin @galacticalstarcat @acidrain707

[unfolkist]

1-92!!!!!!!

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?No. She’s great, and a really good friend but no.

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?Nope

3. Have you taken someones virginity?No

4. Is trust a big issue for you?Sometimes

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?Well, I’m pretty fond of my girlfriend and I see her everyday

6. What are you excited for?Classes to start in ten days

7. What happened tonight?I guess this means last night, I watched netflix with my girlfriend, complained about the heat and then fell asleep on the couch

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?No

9. Is confidence cute?Yes, very.

10. What is the last beverage you had?Coffee

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?More than my own sex.

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?No

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?That was last night, so same answer as 7. I don’t have plans for next Saturday. Why? Are you free?

14. What are you going to spend money on next?Idk, probably lunch on Monday.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?Yes

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?I’m always changing, and so are you.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?My girlfriend.

18. The last time you felt broken?Idk, sometime recently though

19. Have you had sex today?Yes 🌚

20. Are you starting to realize anything?I don’t know anything

21. Are you in a good mood?I’m in no mood

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?No

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?I think so

24. What do you want right this second?I want my cats to stop running around the dining room and fighting

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?Well, I would hope that we had discussed it beforehand. If she just went and did it, I’d be upset.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?Yes, never dyed it except those spray-on Halloween dyes.

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?No, absolutely not.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?Light homophobia framed as “male-bonding” in Mindhunter season 1

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?No

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?Those with good intentions do.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?No, @wicked-lemon-boy is great. Wait does this mean “talking to”? Because I’ve only ever talked to girls so the question doesn’t apply.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?Yes obviously we share a home

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?No, love me some carbonated syrup water.

34. Listening to?The fan in the window.

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?Try not to.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?On her way to Whittier.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?It happened to me 🤷🏼‍♂️

38. Who did you last call?@glenn-the-dawg, she didn’t pick up

39. Who was the last person you danced with?Oh god I have no idea. Haven’t danced in a long time.

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?This morning

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?I have no idea.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?Not yet but I’ll probably get around to hugging

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?Every day

44. Do you tan in the nude?No

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?No

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?No she left the room lol

47. Who was the last person to call you?My dad

48. Do you sing in the shower?No

49. Do you dance in the car?No

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?YES top 10 experience of my life

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?School probably

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?Not as a genre but most of them are really clunky and poorly thought-out

53. Is Christmas stressful?Yes but only because I’m always in debt and can’t buy everything for everyone

54. Ever eat a pierogi?No

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?Does pumpkin count? If not then apple.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?Starting pitcher for the Dodgers

57. Do you believe in ghosts?Not literally

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?Only when I have deja-vu

59. Take a vitamin daily?No

60. Wear slippers?No

61. Wear a bath robe?No, I have one but I don’t use it

62. What do you wear to bed?A minimalistic version of what I wore that day

63. First concert?Paul McCartney at the Pond in Anaheim in like 2005. I fell asleep while he was doing piano songs, and then he did Live and Let Die with fireballs on the stage and that woke me up.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?Target

65. Nike or Adidas?Neither

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?Fritos are too salty BUT you gotta put them in homemade chili. It’s the shit.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?Peanuts

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?I’m still waiting for her American Primative phase. Cover Don Bikoff, Taylor!!!

69. Ever take dance lessons?No

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?Something medical-related

71. Can you curl your tongue?Yes

72. Ever won a spelling bee?No

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?I cry for everything except sadness it seems like

74. What is your favorite book?Johnny Got His Gun

75. Do you study better with or without music?Without

76. Regularly burn incense?Used to, idk where our tray went

77. Ever been in love?Yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert?Bob Dylan, just to say I did

79. What was the last concert you saw?Mitski at the Palladium

80. Hot tea or cold tea?Hot

81. Tea or coffee?Coffee

82. Favorite type of cookie?Chocolate chip

83. Can you swim well?Well enough

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?Yes, I am an adult

85. Are you patient?No

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?DJ probably

87. Ever won a contest?I’m sure I have, but I’m drawing a blank

88. Ever have plastic surgery?No, I just naturally look great for 25.

89. Which are better black or green olives?Don’t like olives. Wait what’s a green olive?

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?I’m a fan

91. Best room for a fireplace?Living room

92. Do you want to get married?Yes

[lokibannerpool]

Update on the Mun

so i have been lurking on here for a while, not really doing any drafts or replies. I’m not abandoning this blog and these muses, I just haven’t had the motivation lately to be active on this account. I have been active on my other blogs for the most part. you can find me on @forcedintoperfection @thevirginandthefool @worldsfastestpredator @strongestcullen  @zorii-unknown and/or @brokenprincessofasgard  

Now for the shitstorm that is my life right now.

If you’re basically homeless and you know it clap your hands  *clap clap*

So we (by we I mean my mom, little brother and I) finally got evicted for reals like around Feburary-ish. My mom’s bright idea for temporary living was to move in with the worst person possible, her crazy ass aunt (on my grandpa’s side). 

Not only was the move stressful, but living here is terrible, and most of that is because my mother’s aunt (i have disowned her so no she’s not my great aunt) is doing everything in her power to make us feel unwelcome. Before I go into details, let me point out that my brother refused to come stay here because he has never felt welcome in this house, so he’s staying with family from our grandmother’s side (still crazy, but slightly more reasonable). And although I technically still have a room there, I did not stay because they hate animals and the great aunt that lives there once told me that if she could make it up the stairs to our old apartment she’d kill my cats. Later she denied it, but yeah... that’s the kind of crazy on that side’ of the family.

I was going to take my cats and live in a hotel from paycheck to paycheck. i had done the math and i could afford 7 days from one paycheck if i literally didn’t buy anything else, and the hotel had free breakfast i didn’t have to worry about food at least if i could save some of the breakfast for lunch then probably do dinner at a family member’s house. (yeah not the best plan but for me if I’m giving up my cats to a shelter I’m giving up on life. plus hotel accepted animals and was legit cheaper than a putting them in a pet hotel which would have been 22 a night per cat... i have 5 cats and a part time job) BUT low and behold my mother pulls some strings with the aunt (only after catching me crying on eviction day because I didn’t know what to do with my babies) and suddenly I can keep the cats as long as they stay in the basement. Not ideal, but more affordable for me so I take it.

Now back to the hell house I’m trapped in.

1) It took a while to move everything in, but I think we were almost full settled in by a Friday or Saturday night. On the Monday (which was like day 3 of living there) my mother’s aunt not only called me repeatedly on my phone, she kept yelling my name from the first floor. When I finally become conscious enough to go see what she wants, she is telling me that I sleep too much, It’s ridiculous how much I sleep, I need to go get a job, I’m not going to sleep my life away in HER house, yada yada, then she goes on about how by my age she was living on her own and paying off her own car (both were confirmed to be lies by sources that were alive at that time. crazy bitch was still sleeping in the bed with her mother at 22).. Now maybe you think that’s not so bad? but I forgot to mention one little detail. 

It was only 8:10 AM  and I had class at 10 am.

My alarm clock was literally set to go off 20 minutes from that time. Not only was it early as fuck, but I had a class to go to so it wasn’t like i was going to be staying in the house all day. SHE KNEW I HAD CLASS, THAT WAS WHAT PISSED ME OFF THE MOST. I had literally been discussing my classes with her for weeks prior to even moving in with her. Another thing that interested me was how she conveniently waited until my mother had left to start harassing me. anyway, so i get dressed because im mad as hell by this point, and i get ready to leave in under 15 minutes so we’re around 8:30am by this point. When I get downstairs she is demanding that I come into her room, and against my better judgement I do but I’m in no mood to talk. She takes one look at my face and asks me “why are you pissed off?”  As if she didn’t know why. I don’t want to curse her out because I wasn’t raised to do things like that so i keep my mouth shut. She keeps trying to get me to talk, and at this point angry tears that I have been trying so hard to hold back are falling and she tells me I’m being dramatic and I’m over reacting. I tell her I have to go to class more than once and she’s still demanding that I sit and talk with her, so I just walk out.    She calls my phone more than once but I don’t answer because I am a) driving and b) still mad as hell. she leaves voicemails. 1 saying that im being overreacting and stuff. the second comes a few hours later with a fake apology after she apparently talked to my mother. I later find out that she lied to my mom and told her that she forgot I had school, yet when I was not trying to talk to her she was telling me i had 2 hours before i had to be in class.. so yeah and that was only the start of day 3 of living there.

2) Fast forward a few days because in this family, we apparently just go on like nothing happened after conflicts like this. My mom comes to me in the morning and warns me that the aunt had threatened to call the human society to take my cats away because I ‘don’t spend enough time with them’. Which pissed off my mom as much as me because she’s seen what I’ve done for these cats in the past 2 years. (especially with Brenda, who is a rescue stray I took in after she was covered in tape by strangers and either dropped at our door or she limped her way up the stairs to us for help, and the two litters of kittens she had in our apartment) 

The aunt confronts me about this after I come down to feed them by asking me “do you really want the cats” and then telling me not to get an attitude when I say “of course I do” rather defensively. She tells me the b.s. she told my mom to which i point out that we literally just got here, i have classes 5 days a week and work 7 days a week. Plus, she’s usually sleep when I come in after work so she doesn’t see me dragging my aching body (still sore from doing the brunt of the moving) down to the basement to replace the food and water and spend time with them before I go to bed and I would literally be sleeping down there if it wasn’t for my mom nagging me about my health (which tbh comes second to the cats in my opinion but she disagrees). She doesn’t seem all that convinced, and my anxiety was through the roof for the longest because i wasn’t sure if i was going to come back to a cat-less basement after work. 

My therapist has been having an earful btw. Literally the week before I knew we were being evicted I spent most of a session trying to find something to talk to her about and now I have at least one new problem ever week. 

3) This woman has no respect for me or my mother. She’s verbally attacked my mother and berated her more than once. (today included) and at one point accused my mom of using her father for money(who died only 2 years prior, and who is the only one who took responsibility for making all the funeral arrangements and is still struggling to pay that bill because no one else wanted to help). This is sidetracking a little, but my mom did a lot for my grandfather. Brought his medical supplies with a loan she had taken out from her job, literally came to wash him up multiple times because his in house nurse wasn’t doing it, and pretty much ran every errand he asked for her and if she couldn’t do it she had me do it for her... so yeah to say she was using him was really fucked up and it really hurt my mom.

3.5) One morning (last week) i literally caught her and her ‘tenant’ (aka her brother’s ex girlfriend who he left for his wife 2 years ago and refuses to leave his family’s home) talking shit about me and my mom. How we’re dirty,  my mom walks too loud, complaining about us having mini conversations late at night (which only happened once), calling my mom fat, and saying that she’s not  ‘dainty’ and ‘feminine’ enough and they don’t know how she kept a man for so long... really just talking trash while im standing at the top of the stairs listening. I wait until they finish to say anything and they’re not even ashamed or apologetic. The aunt literally says “good. now you can tell your mom what i said” after  i said i heard just about all of it. She seemed offended when I refused to be her messenger. She then tried to talk shit about my mom to me, going as far to tell me that my mother a ‘fat slob’. And because I don’t want to be kicked out before we find a place, I have to bite my tongue and just walk away while she purposely baits me and tells me to ‘speak my mind’. 

There is so much more I could write about, like how she (a woman who has never had a cat in her life) is always telling me how to take care of my cats like I don’t know what I’m doing, yet she’s basing this all off the dog she had (but didn’t really want or take care of) over 10 years ago.  Or how she likes to try to provoke me or my mom (but mostly me because I’m the easier target I guess) whenever she’s bored. The fact that she forced cable boxes on us, then demanded my mom pay her $400 for the installation of the cable despite us both making it very clear we didn’t want it. How she’s always trying to say someone is trying to use her as if my mom isn’t paying $800 a month for two little ass rooms and a bathroom/kitchen we have to share with two other people And sooo much more. 

I’ve ended up self harming for the first time in about two-ish years while staying here. My suicidal thoughts are  happening very often and honestly I’ve turned to drinking my feelings away when I’m not cutting them away. I’ve literally been so stressed that my period disappeared for like 3 months (no im not pregnant. gotta be sexually active to get pregnant so yes its stress) and I’m pretty sure I’m developing some sort of repressed anger issues that I should probably mention to my therapist but I keep forgetting. 

So that’s pretty much what’s been going on in my life lately. 

And I don’t know how to end this so... there

[zzwheels1912-blog]

Why the Fuck Not?

Today is December 24th, 2018.  It is 9:17 pm.  This is the moment I will remember for the rest of my days as the moment my life has changed.  Yes, I’m a little high right now (on my medical marijuana) (wait - why should I defend why I’m high.  It’s my business, not yours) but I swear to you I will be different from this moment on.  For the last year I’ve been bulimic.  More specifically, I’ve been secretly bulimic.  Not so much in the last 3 months, but for the 11 prior to that I was definitely bulimic.  I would even say hardcore bulimic.  I lost more than 25 pounds in five months. - side note - I actually just thought of writing four months instead of the honest five because I somehow thought that would be more impressive.  What the actual fuck?

So, back to the bulimia.  It started in October when I went out for lunch with my grandparents, had an upset stomach, and projectile vomited on my driveway/shoes.  After that, I continued to have an odd nausea that seemed to follow me (probably for a few weeks) and I found that this nausea was a perfect way to avoid eating.  Well I’m not the type of person who can just not eat.  I don’t have that life skill.  Or dying skill?  I needed to eat and as a side effect of my marijuana, I needed to eat A LOT.  Plus, who doesn’t like food?  It’s literally our purpose in life.  So, I found that I could go into the bathroom after I ate a lot and shove my fingers down my throat and vomit up what I had just eaten, and when I came out of the bathroom I wasn’t faced with suspicion, I was met with concern.  -another side note - Why I thought I’d be met with suspicion I do not know.  My parents trust me implicitly.  

Again, back to the bulimia.  The concern I was met with forced me to come up with an explanation (or we can call it what it really was; an excuse).  I decided to narrow in on one of the new medications I had been prescribed (I have severe depression, but that’s another story).  This medication had a side effect warning of nausea and vomiting so it actually worked out perfectly for me.  My parents suggested coming off of the medication, but I wouldn’t do it because I hadn’t felt this good in the last decade.  And the thing is, I GENUINELY believed that I was feeling better because of the medication.  I thought for sure that the med was the reason I was happier and not the two years of Electroconvulsive Therapy, frequent psychologist visits, many medications, and a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy group at a mental health hospital.  Or because I was finally losing weight.  Weight that I had accumulated in the previous decade when I had been meds that had weight gain as a side effect, and the chronic, unrelenting hell my depression was forcing me to live in.  Looking back, I think it’s mostly that depression that helped me gain the weight and less the meds.  I eat when I’m sad.  Or bored.  And believe me - as an agoraphobic, socially anxious, and utterly depressed person, you’re often sad.  And bored.  

I was the thinnest I had ever been, and I was the happiest I had been in literally longer than I can remember.  I knew it was the meds.  And I didn’t even consider my newfound confidence and happiness was from being thinner than my older sister for the first time in my life.  But here’s the thing - I think it was.  I now know that it was never the medication.  It was the compliments.  It was the new clothes.  It was putting on my old pants and complaining that they were now huge on me.  What a fucking awful person I must be.  Or am I just a fucking idiot who let the outside world tell me what I should be.  Personally, I think it’s a little bit of both.  Maybe I craved the attention, both positive and negative, and maybe I craved the freedom to finally eat whatever I wanted and not worry about gaining weight.  What my family and friends must have gone through.  I can’t imagine.  So worried about my health, but so happy to see me happy.  Fuck it, it’s definitely more awful person than fucking idiot.

And my family and friends were worried.  I could see it on their faces every time I came out of the bathroom with a red face, bloodshot eyes, and broken blood vessels.  For eleven months I put my loved ones through this.  For eleven months I was more selfish than I can ever imagine being.  And still I was happy.  But here’s the weird part - I wasn’t happy in my body.  I still thought I was too big, and saw a flabby stomach in the mirror. - side note #3 - I love the word flabby.  I’m claiming that word as my own.  I think that’s how I’ll describe my stomach from now on.  That makes me smile.

I was unhappy because I had body dysmorphia; something I knew about, and could discuss, but never thought to apply to myself.  That’s what it was, and probably what it is today.  It took me eleven months to break my vow of vomiting and I only broke it because I wasn’t that great at it anymore.  Seriously, it was just getting harder to get myself to vomit.  I guess I developed a tolerance for it.  And then I enrolled full time in college and the stress was my excuse to eat more and more.  Not even unhealthy food either - not that it matters - but I still like to tell people that I gained 7 pounds of Jif’s chunky peanut butter and granny smith apples.  Which is actually pretty accurate, though admittedly probably more peanut butter than apple.

And then my agoraphobia came back and I quit college and I said “fuck it” and ate whatthehellever I wanted to.  So, couple of pounds later, here I am, pretty much exactly right back where I began.  Except that was before 9:17.  That was before my life changed.  My life has genuinely changed because I’ve read the first 22 pages of Jes Baker’s “Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls”. Jesus Christ, imagine where I’ll be when I finish the book.  Or even the second chapter.  Now I love my body.  Or at least I’m damned well trying to.  And I’m believing it.  Which is kind of amazing because I haven’t believed that since the fourth grade.  I kind of like my flabby stomach and my thick upper arms.  Maybe this means that I can wear guys clothes, or hell, even make my own, instead of fucking crop tops.  -side note #4 - Don’t fucking get me started on crop tops.  Don’t give a shit if you wear one, but why are you paying for half a shirt???  Get your money’s worth girl.

Why should I wear guys clothes because my body doesn’t fit perfectly (according to society) into size small, you ask?  Well because I like guys clothes.  They’re more comfortable and I like the tops that have half length sleeves in a different colour than the chest (no fucking idea what those are called).  And I like dresses.  Frilly, froofy, British royalty, or Tahani-from-The-Good-Place dresses.  But I can never find any that fit correctly or that aren’t obscenely expensive, so maybe I’ll just take up sewing and make my own.  Because why the fuck not.

I think that’s how I’m going to live my life from now on.  Whenever I look in the mirror and question how I look and if I should keep this top on, I’m going to say to myself “well, why the fuck not?”  If I like it, why the fuck not?  If I like boyfriend jeans and baggy tops or dress up to the nines; why the fuck not?  If I think it’s right thing to do, will make me or someone else happy, then WHY THE FUCK NOT.

[rfsak2]

Cactus, Part XIII

Hope ya like it!

Cactus, Part XIII Summary: Success. The Styles Warnings: None.

“So you’re married…”

She nodded, smiling awkwardly at the boy. “I’m married.”

“Seem young.”

He was sixteen and pursuing the dream and she thought briefly to how Harry must have been at this age.

But this kid was not Harry and she’d bet the commission she was making on this gig that his mom was no Anne Twist.

“I’m more than old enough.”

He bit his lip, a move she was sure he thought would make him the next Justin Beiber. “But are you still down to fool around?”

“No.” To her consternation, he was tall so she had to tilt her head all the way back to make stern eye contact. “I am not down to fool around. I’m married and you’re sixteen.”

“Yeah, but… it’s 2019, baby, what does marriage or age even mean anymore?” He attempted to put his hand on her shoulder and she backed away.

“I’m married.” She was trying to be calm. “The only person I want to fool around with is my husband. That’s a good portion of the reason why I married him.”

“Yeah, but-”

“No.”

Jeff Bhasker entered the booth, arms folded across his chest, and stared the kid down. “Look. You’re new around here, but I’m going to explain something. She’s one of the best guitarists of her generation. She has job security. You don’t if you don’t make something good happen here.”

“Yeah, well even if she wasn’t you wouldn’t fire her right, given who her-”

“It has absolutely nothing to do with who she’s with and it’s ridiculous to think so. Her being married to someone doesn’t make her any less of more talented. So listen to me: I literally will throw you out of this studio if you don’t straighten out and stop harassing her. You have done nothing to make me feel desperate to keep you. On the other hand, she had somewhere in the range of 200 song credits to her name. I’m desperate for her to stay.”

“But-”

“No.”

Her phone rang, a recording of Harry just saying her name over and over playing in the tense silence. She glanced at Jeff and he motioned her out. “I’m gonna continue talkin’ to my man here. See if we can’t come to some agreement.”

“Hey baby.” She closed the door to the booth and stepped out into the hallway. “What-”

“Monster, I know that you’re in studio but listen-” There was a shuffle as he pulled the phone from his ear.

All of a sudden, she could hear the first line of Expectations filtering through the phone.

I was never expected

“Holy Shit, baby!! It’s my song!”

He chuckled on the other end of the line. “I know, love. Congratulations!”

“What radio station are you on?” She rushed back into the studio where Jeff was still discussing with the kid. She pulled up iHeartRadio on the computer, taking Jeff’s chair.

“KIIS-FM.”

“What? Seriously? No fuckin’ way, baby!” Jeff poked his head out of the booth and Jamie waved him over. “Really?”

She hit play as Jeff rounded the table, coming to stand next to her, the kid lurking in the door to the booth. “What’s goin’ on?”

If I sold myself short-

“Jamie-Wamie!” Jeff grinned. “That’s your song!!”

She nodded.

“Who’s tha’, love?”

“Jeff.” Harry made a noise to indicate that he had heard as they all quieted down to listen, a bright smile on her face.

When the song was over and she was discretely wiping at her eyes, the DJ came on. “That was Spike & Devil with Expectations. What a beauty of a song, amirite?”

Whoever was in the studio with the DJ sighed. “It is, that little sigh at the end? Like she’s relieved that she said it. So romantic. It just gets me.”

“Now that is the lone track on the band’s new album sung by the guitarist, Jamie Schwartz-”

“Wait Jamie Schwartz, like-”

“Yep.”

“So it’s about-”

“Yep.”

The guest chuckled. “I didn’t know she had that in her. Put that in your juice box and suck it, amirite? A great big romantic ‘[bleep] you’ to anyone who doubted her or doubted Harry Styles. I mean.. Sh[bleep].”

“I don’t think anyone thought she had that in her, but she’s really talented and the band sounds fantastic and the song is great. The entire album, Getting Older it’s called, is actually really good. It’s blown up on Spotify and the hashtags Spike&Devil, Expectations and Backroads are trending on social media. Speaking of, here’s the other song on the album that people are expecting: Spike & Devil- Backroads. This is KIIS-FM-”

She grinned. “Holy shit!” Matt’s voice was still playing on the speakers, softly.

I’m not defined by that backroad.

“I’m at th’studio, love. Which one are you in?”

“We’re in 205.” She set down the phone as he hung up with a muttered ‘See yeh in a mo’, love’ and drummed her hands on the armrests of the chair, all restless energy and high emotions. “Holy shit.”

Jeff held his hands up and she gave him a double hi-five. “Damn, girl! Good work!”

The door opened and she jumped out of the chair, throwing her arms around Harry’s neck. Laughing, he lifted her against him, arms secure around her waist.

“Baby, they’re playing our songs!!”

He grinned against her neck and squeezed her. “They sound so good, love, so good.” He kissed her cheek. “I’m so bloody proud of you!”

She leaned back and smiled, one hand coming up to wipe at her eyes. “Holy shit!”

Jeff looked over at the kid. “That’s what you were trying to get her to step out on, kid. Think about it. It ain’t gonna happen.”

**

“I’ve got another radio station wantin’ you to come in and do an interview about Expectations.”

She sighed, sipping her tea, her legs thrown over Harry’s lap. He eyed her over his cup. “Y’kay, love?”

She nodded and put the phone on speaker. “Just me?”

Jorge uh-huh’d.

“Tell them no. I’m part of a band. If they want to talk music, they need the whole band.”

“Okie dokie, mama. Can do. How’re you two holding up?”

She sat up and curled against Harry’s side. “Yeah, we’re fine. It was just starting to calm down a bit and all. Now with all of this… It just started back up again. Harry got mobbed the other day. Wanted to know if I’d told him that I was writing the song. As if I wouldn’t tell my own damn husband.” She scoffed. “Now apparently people think the song was meant as a subtle dig at Taylor Swift and that Harry’s angry with me for it.”

Harry rubbed a hand over her thigh and kissed her head.

“Yeah, that sucks. They know y’all are married yet?”

She laughed. “No strangely enough. There have been plenty of pictures of ‘Haz’s new ring’ and even a couple blurry one’s of mine, but no one has put two and two together quite yet.”

Harry huffed out a sarcastic laugh. “No they wouldn’t care about that, would they, love? Makes me boring, tha’.”

“I don’t think it makes you boring, baby.” She winked at him.

“They’d rather make shit up. We already knew that though. Okay, girl. I’ve got to get Esteban from school, he’s got that allergy test today.”

“Oh no bueno. Not fun at all. Poor kiddo.”

“Tell ‘im I hope he aces it.”

Jorge chuckled. “Not sure how to ace an allergy test…”

Harry laughed. “Yeah, well it’s a conundrum. Which answer’s right? I’ve gotta know!”

“I’ll ask the doctor and get back to ya, bro.” He chuckled and there was a sound like a car door opening. “Hey, m’hijo, you wanna say hi to Tia and Tio?”

“Hi Tio! Hey Titi, I think I’m gonna take orchestra next year.”

She smiled. “What instrument d’ya think you want to play, guapo?”

“Duh… guitar. Papi said that Abuelo has one of your old guitars, the one’s you used when you were little, can I use that instead of getting one from the school?”

“Yeah, course y’can. You’ll have to get your dad to take it by the shop and see if it needs new strings.”

Jorge’s voice sounded distant. “Will do.”

“Next time I’m in SA, I’ll teach you the basics.”

“Tio, can do it too, yeah?”

Harry grinned. “Yeah, I can help, for sure.”

“Okay, you two, I’m about to get on 1604 and it’s a madhouse as usual. I’ll talk to ya later.”

“Te amo.”

“Te amo.”

She set down the phone and laid her head on his shoulder. He adjusted the blanket to cover her better and leaned his cheek against her hair. “So, wha’ kind of guitar are we buying Esteban for Christmas?”

She smiled. “I was just thinking about that. We want somethin’ nice but not too nice, right? It’s gonna get beat to shit no matter what.”

Nodding, Harry rubbed his hand over her thigh under the blanket. “Should we get a full-size, y’think?”

“Yeah. The way that kid grows he’ll outgrow my old child guitar by then.”

Harry sipped at his coffee. “What’s botherin’ yeh, love?”

She smiled against his shoulder. “I’m just frustrated with all this media crap. I didn’t think they pull this shit- honestly, I never even thought they’d have a reason to pull this shit, we didn’t send the album to mainstream radio ‘cause we didn’t think they’d be interested and now I wish they hadn’t gotten their hands on it.”

She huffed. “Now they’ve made what I thought was a really clear, and really bloody personal song into a go at a woman I’ve got nothing against or an industry that I hate admittedly, but I didn’t write a song for them, I wrote it for my family.” She sat up and crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s just really frustratin’.”

He nodded and leaned over to kiss her. “I figured it was that.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and curled back into his lap. “Now there are all these trash journalists askin’ for interviews like I’m gonna sit there and let them drag us, the band, the song through the mud. Like I’m expected sit and be pretty and just stew in this catch-22. I can’t deny because I look guilty and I won’t confirm because it’s not true. I can’t win.”

He smiled softly down at her. “Do you regret writing it?”

“No, of course, not.” She shook her head against his shoulder. “I needed for you to hear it, I wanted you to hear it. I just regret puttin’ it on the album… sometimes. I regret this shit-storm. I should’ve just kept it for us or somethin’.”

“But the song is puttin’ yeh on the map, love. People are listenin’ and you and the band deserve to be heard.” He kissed her hair. “I think yer gonna be on Grammy watch, if yeh ask me. The critics have received it well.”

She snorted. “That’s silly-”

“It’s a beautiful song, love.” Harry shrugged. “Yeh know yer allowed to be successful, right, monster? Yer allowed to do good work.”

“Am I though? I know you think so, but no matter what I do, what I accomplish there’s always going to be someone sayin’ that-”

“It was me who did it” He paused and shrugged. “Yer right, but doesn’t mean that yeh shouldn’t do it. Every time Liam, Lou or Niall or me ever did anythin’, there was someone bringin’ up Simon.”

“I just don’t want to…” She paused and sat back so she could look at his face. “I love you, with everything I am, I love you. I don’t like the idea that there’s someone out there who still thinks that I’m only with you for a leg up. I don’t like feelin’ like we have to constantly defend, to constantly have to validate our relationship.”

He smiled. “I know tha’, love. I know tha’ yeh love me and I love yeh the same way. Yeh don’t have to validate anythin’. We don’t owe them anythin’. I know tha’ yer the woman I will be with until I’m old and gray or I wouldn’t ‘ave married yeh. I know tha’ yer th’future mother of my children or I wouldn’t ‘ave married yeh.”

He kissed her. “However, yeh ‘ave th’right to be successful and yeh ‘ave the right t’do wha’ yeh love and live yer life th’way yeh want. I am gonna be right there with yeh for every bit of it.”

Jamie leaned in for a kiss. “So what should I do? How should I handle this?”

“Well, let’s get yeh some place where you can be honest and get this out there.”

**

“Tonight we have Spike & Devil with us. They are the indie band out of Nashville that is taking radio by storm. They’re going to play us their two new hit songs and we’re going to talk about their album Getting Older, specifically why they named the album Getting Older,” James snickered, “considering they are all under the age of thirty, and I may yet convince them to participate in a round of Flinch.” James winked at the camera and grinned.

The camera panned in on Jamie’s face as she shook her head frantically and mouthed ‘help me,’ standing behind her guitar.

Backstage, headphones on, Harry snickered into his fist.

“But first, Spike & Devil playing Backroads.”

This was Matt’s magnus opus, a song Jamie had told Harry he’d spent years on. It straddled a line between rock and country and it showed off four very talented musicians to the best of their ability.

No one who watched Spike & Devil perform Backroads could doubt the legitimacy of their talent.

Jamie loved the song and Harry loved watching her play it, enjoying every bounce and the way she leaned over the guitar, bracing it against the inside of her thigh (where he was fairly certain he’d left a hickey this morning) so she could keep the guitar steady for the complicated guitar solo.

She was ridiculously beautiful behind a guitar, doing what she loved. She was ridiculously beautiful wearing the rings he put on her finger, doing what she loved.

The song ended and James called them over to the couch. Offering the others coffee, he grinned down at Jamie.

“So I made you tea, dear, because I know you don’t drink coffee.”

She smiled. “Thanks, James.”

James and took his seat. “So in the interest of journalistic integrity, though I’m not sure I apply necessarily, I know Jamie personally. She and her special someone have had dinner with my wife and I a number of times. In fact Dante has also had dinner at my home. Nice to see you again, Dante.”

Dante grinned. “Nice to see you too.”

“Lets just do a quick introduction.” James motioned to Matt who sat on the far side of the couch.

Matt smiled and Harry grinned, he could practically hear every person in the audience and on the crew attracted to men melt. He was Classic™; blonde, blue-eyed with a jaw like an anvil. “I’m Matt Reeve-” He paused. “What else should I say?”

James shrugged and Matt looked hilariously panicked. “I’m from Knoxville, Tennessee… I’m 27.” He shrugged awkwardly.

“He’s single, ladies.” Jamie leaned forward to pick up her tea with her left hand and cradling it against her chest, the rings on her finger was more apparent to the audience members with seats at the front.

Dante huffed. “Jamie…”

She shrugged and sipped her tea. “Gotta help my sisters out, yeah?”

The women in crowd cheered.

Tommy, tall, dark, handsome and earnest, chuckled. “Tommy Lazert, I’m from Louisville, Kentucky. I’m 25.”

“Also single.”

Tommy grinned. “Am I?”

She sipped her tea and considered him for a moment. “Yes. I fairly positive.”

“You don’t know though.”

“Fair enough. He may or may not be single, ladies.” She shrugged. “It’s a mystery! Adds to the fun.”

Dante, who always managed to balance hipster and relevant, hat sat on top of his afro and big thick, frame glasses sat on his absurdly perfect nose, shook his head. “You’re ridiculous. I’m Dante Schwartz. I’m from San Antonio. I’m 24. I’m her brother… yes. Her brother. We were both adopted.” He grinned down at Jamie’s head. “I’m single, to spare her the trouble.”

“And Jamie you?” James grinned.

“Me? I’m decidedly not single.”

The crowd cheered, the word of the rings having passed from those in front.

Harry grinned, proud of this tiny woman he got to call his.

“Introduce yourself, Jamie. To be fair.”

Jamie smiled coyly against the rim of her cup. “You know my name, I’m also 24 and I’m also from San Antonio.”

James grinned. “Come now… Don’t be shy. You know, maybe not everyone in the crowd knows your name.”

“Here’s hoping.”

Laughing, James sipped his coffee. “You never know though… Does it feel like everyone knows everything about you?”

“Not all the time no. I think we managed to keep some things to ourselves longer than expected.” The rings on her finger glinted as if on cue and she arched an eyebrow. “However, I was in a store the other day and someone I’d never met before asked me if I liked the pasta I bought last week-”

“Maybe they saw-”

“That I bought last week at a completely different store half-way across LA.”

The crowd laughed.

“What did you do?”

She shrugged. “I mean I wasn’t angry or anythin’, just a bit caught off guard. It’s awkward. I think I stuttered out that my husband liked it more than I did… something like that.”

The crowd lost its collective shit.

James grinned. “And what was your name again?”

The blush on her face told Harry that she hadn’t really meant to say that. Regardless, he didn’t really think he’d ever get over hearing her call him that.

In for a penny, I guess.

“Technically my stage name is Jamie Schwartz.”

James rolled his eyes. “But when you, say, sign for a package at the post office, what do you sign?”

“I still sign ‘Jamie Schwartz’ by accident… and then I have to cross out ‘Schwartz’ and scrawl ‘Styles’ above it. All the while, Harry’s laughing at me and telling me my handwriting makes him look like he married a child.”

“That’s specific.”

“It happened this morning.” She shrugged and sipped her tea.

Part XII Up Next: An Interlude

[jo-the-schmo]

Breaking... Ch.24

Masterlist

Part 21 Part 22 Part 23

A/N: ...

Wordcount: 4946

Warnings: ...

Tags...: @iamnotthrowingawaymyshit @renae-writes @deltablue202 @literally-melonkitty @meunicorn @favouritefighting-frenchman @demi-godamit @gum-and-chips @sweaterkitty-fluff@pinkyiger7 @littlemissshortcakes​ @msageofenlightenment @unprofessional-inhumanbeing @fandom-panda-221@hummusandchips @spoopy-piineapple @ashwolfcub​ @myself-and-the-madman @sweet-fate @superwholockbooknerd526 @frozengal2013 @itsmikayblr @sarmar29 @arya-durin-77 @phantastic-fandoms​ @hoshihime98 @shinigamired @martapetrovic @robotic-space @iamnotthrowingawaymyshit2 (lol) @asprinkleofmermaids @pinkyiger7​ (I’m tagging you twice my friend!) @satellitesuga @rose-coloured-nihilism @okie-dokie-artichokeme @alyssumax​ @pandartist @marquiis-de-la-baguette​ @abi-sans05​

Broken

Just as you had suspected, this was all Lafayette’s idea. Honestly, you should’ve expected that with how cryptic he was being before. He said that Alex and Philip can be very similar sometimes, he knew some shit like this would work of Alex and that meant it would probably work on Philip as well. Eliza was the second to know about and she let Alex in on it after Philip asked to bring Theodosia. Angie said she just had a feeling something was going on so she joined in. The weird part was that Jefferson wasn’t part of the plan at all. According to Laf, Thomas just wanted to piss off Hamilton, to say it worked would be an understatement.

“That magenta obsessed lunatic! He has the nerve to try and accuse you and then do something so vile? He would be wise to apologize to you for putting you through something so traumatic! That man better not ask me about you or I swear there will be hell to pay.” You told him that that wouldn’t happen but you were wrong. It totally did. You had to hear Alex rant for at least three hours about how disrespectful it is to ask a man about someone who was basically his daughter. Dadexander is back at it again, I see! You knew that this was all just an excuse to make Alex upset but you were honestly touched that he was so protective of you. Angie was probably the most excited.

“I am so happy for you! We already discussed that I am already the bridesmaid, my speech has already been written! Would you like to hear it?” You told her to slow her roll, but she always seemed to know something you didn’t. She was seventeen now and you were always amazed by how incredible she was. She was only a year younger than you were when you first came here, you felt very old all of a sudden just thinking about it. Ever since that night after the ball, you and Philip were inseparable. Eliza helped you learn how to dance properly; Philip was your partner. Alex asked you to help him write papers for him, Philip would sit beside you and make sure you didn’t try and write too fast. There was a moment when you had to bring tea to his room really late at night because he refused to sleep. No matter how many times he insisted that you go to bed, you refused.

“Sunshine, it isn’t fair for me to go to sleep and leave you awake and miserable. Either we both go to sleep and be happy or we both stay up and be cranky. The choice is yours!”

“Ugh! Why do you have to use your beautiful mind against me? Aren’t you supposed to love me or something?”

“I do love you, and that’s precisely why I have to stop you before you pass out and stain your pretty little face with ink.” You pouted.

“Are you trying to say I wouldn’t be pretty if I had ink on my face?” He teased.

“I like your freckles not to be covered in ink so yes. But don’t change the subject, you need to sleep.” He got up from his chair and wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his head on your shoulder.

“But I really have to finish this!” He groaned, you felt his hair scratch at your cheek and you giggled.

“No, you really need to sleep, love!” He nuzzled his face into your neck.

“If I go to sleep I can’t see your radiance. What’s a man to do?”

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” You quoted. “As long as your mind holds my image, your eyes will not need me.” That was enough to convince him to go to sleep, you kissed him goodnight and left. You always felt like you were floating after he kissed you, it was like a force of energy would wave over you.

            Lafayette left a couple weeks later, you told him to keep in touch with you. You were glad to have made a new friend out of all that nonsense. Eliza had been slowly taking you off maid duties. She told you that it wasn’t intentional but you got the feeling it was. She would insist that you wear your casual dress more and more. Today was one of those days, however Philip invited you to go into town with him and Angie decided to tag along because she wanted to look for new petticoats. You’d never been out in public with Philip before so you were a bit nervous. Luckily that didn’t last long because as soon as the carriage pulled into the town and you got out with Philip on your arm, that feeling of anxiety melted away. There was a mix of indoor and outdoor shops, the sounds flowed around you. It was chilly outside but you didn’t mind, it was comfortable enough for you. For some you thought of the memory with your last night with Anna. How hot and sticky it was, how close to summer it was, how happy the two of you were. Onism. Philip pulled away from you.

“Would you mind going with Angie for a little bit? I have to go talk to a make an errand really quick.”

“An errand? Alright, I don’t mind. Just be back soon because I don’t want to leave you without a ride back.” You joked, he gave you a peck on the cheek and quickly left you with Angie. She giggled and wriggled her eyebrows.

“You two are simply adorable!” She squealed. “I wish you two would just get married already! I hate this waiting game!” You rolled your eyes.

“I’m sure you do Angie, I’m sure you do.”

“How much longer do you think he’s going to wait?”

“I-I don’t know! I haven’t exactly thought about it! Although, that’s not to say I wouldn’t be opposed to it…” You felt your face heat up, an interesting contrast to the cool air. You and Angie stopped in front of a table displaying various glass pieces. You felt an icy chill roll up your spine, the presence was back. What the hell? It’s happened outside before…

Seven. Three. Seven. Three. Seven.

Why are you doing this?

Help. Don’t run.

Don’t run? What does that mean? You felt something touch your arm, you flinched.

“Hey, TT! Are you alright? You spaced out there!” Angie said with concern. You shivered and shook away the ominous feeling painted against your back.

“Yes, I’m alright, just cold.” You chuckled. The two of you continued to look at the different shops for a while and it gave you time to think. Mrs. Y/N Hamilton… Angie was right, that does sound nice. We don’t have to rush anything; we don’t have to get married any time soon.  I just wonder when, will it be a mutual decision, will it be spur of the moment, will it be carefully planned out? Ugh, I feel ridiculous. What am I, a soccer mom? Well, soccer isn’t really a thing here yet, I guess. Your thoughts were interrupted by Angie.

“Oh would you look at that, Philip finally decided to come back and join us!” Your mood instantly perked up as you searched the crowd. Philip was moving past everyone but he didn’t seem happy. To be more precise, he looked completely pissed. He approached the two of you and huffed an uneasy breath.

“Come on, we’re leaving.” What?

“But I haven’t found my petticoats yet!” Angie whined.

“We need to leave! We can come back tomorrow.” He sounded like he was in a rush.

“Philip, what’s going on? Are you okay?” You tried to ask.

“I’ll tell you when we get home, I promise. But we really need to go.” You and Angie followed him to the coach, his leg was bouncing the entire way to the estate. You tried to calm him down a to calm him down but he wasn’t acting like himself. He seemed distraught and antsy. When the carriage pulled into the yard he practically jumped out. As the three of you made it into the house, you asked him what was wrong again. This time he said that he had to talk with Alex first. You suggested that you make tea and that you’d join them, he agreed.

“Don’t say anything too important without me!” You tried to lighten his mood, he leaned forward and kissed your forehead before walking down the hall. You went into the kitchen and quickly prepared the tea, Eliza would kill you if she saw that you were working in your nice dress. You set the cups on a tray with everything else and made your way over to the study. You were about to knock on the door when you heard a passing conversation.

“Where is this happening?” Alex asked. Where’s what happening?

“Across the river in Jersey, everything is legal in New Jersey.” Philip explained. Has he ever been to Jersey?! Nothing is legal there!

“Alright, so this is what you’re going to do. Stand there like a man until Eacker is front of you. When the time comes, fire your weapon in the air. This will put an end to the whole affair.” What…

“But what if he decides to shoot? Then I’m a goner!”

“No, he’ll follow suit if he’s truly a man of honor. To take someone’s life, that is something you can’t shake. Philip, your mother can’t take another heartbreak.” Your hands were shaking, the tray quaking.

“Father…”

“Promise me, you don’t want this young man’s blood on your conscious!”

“Okay, I promise…”

“Come back home when you’re done, take my guns. Be smart, make me proud son.” The tray fell from your hands; glass, tea, cream and sugar spilled across the floor. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

“No!” You yelled as you busted through the door. Alex and Philip jumped in surprise, but Philip was immediately concerned. “You are not going!” You felt tears rolling down your cheeks and stepped over the broken tea set.

“Hey, hey, hey now! Calm down love.” Philip tried to soothe you.

“No! I’m not going to calm down! You are not going to that duel!” Philip laid his hands on your shoulders comfortingly.

“I have to, he disparaged my father’s legacy in front of a crowd. I can’t have that! And he tried to-” He tried to justify. Ellipsism. Your shoulders shook the opposite reason, you interrupted him.

“And I can’t lose you…not again, Philip… please just stay alive for me… Is that too much to ask?” You hiccupped. I just got him back, he is not leaving me again! Philip pulled you into his arms, you buried your face into his chest. “Please don’t go… I love you… The sun has to come out tomorrow….” You clutched onto him, you hated feeling weak but at this point you didn’t care. If showing yourself in a ‘weak’ state was enough to make him stay than you held no qualms. You didn’t care what happened, what would change because of this. You just knew that you needed him to stay.

“Okay, Okay, it’s going to be okay Star! Please stop crying…” You shook your head. Alex stood up from his seat and made his way over to the two of you.

“Titania, I assure you, everything will be alright. You must try and calm down, we don’t want you to have another fit.”

“I won’t go, just please don’t make yourself sick!”  You calmed down a little bit after hearing him say that. He pulled you away and gave you his handkerchief, he tried to help you wipe away your tears with his hands. “Come on now, where’s my sparkle at?” He smiled. You couldn’t stop yourself from cracking a grin. He always knows what to do to make me smile… He told you to grab your Midsummer Night’s Dream book and come back so that you could read a little bit together. You did so and the two of you spent most of the day picking out different parts of the play that stood out to you. You all had dinner together and as the sun set, everyone began to retire for the evening. Now you stood in front of the door to your room, holding Philip’s hand.

“Remember, you promised Angie another trip into town, I’m going to hold you to that!”

“I will, I will! I’m a man of my word after all!” The huge grin on his face changed to a nervous smile. “Um, after breakfast tomorrow, would you mind meeting me in the garden? There’s… something that I…need to ask you. It’s pretty important so…” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

“Of course! I uh, I mean sure, that sounds fine. I’ll see you there.” You tried desperately to keep your cool. He looked down at you with soft eyes and caressed your cheek.

“I love you so, so, so much. I love you more than anything else. You are my fallen star and I would do anything for you, you know that right?” He asked, very seriously.

“Of course I do, Philip. I couldn’t forget that even if I wanted to. You’re the only sunshine that matters to me…” He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips into yours. Yours seemed to fit perfectly with his and the feeling of being stopped in time never changed. He pulled away slightly and you slowly opened your eyes.

“Good… it’s just nice to hear that every once in a while.” He grinned. You are such a cheeseball!

“Well, I’m will to tell you that any time!” You chuckled.

“You’re adorable… I’ll see you in morning, my starlight. I hope you have sweet dreams.” He gave your hand one last squeeze before letting go and making his way down the hall and out of your sights. You went inside your room and closed the door behind you. You ran over to your bed, slammed your head into the pillow and legit screamed. You rolled over and tried to stop smiling, you couldn’t. Philip Hamilton has a very important question to ask me. And he has to ask it in the place where we gave each other our nicknames and shared our first kiss… I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BE! I feel like the only person who could be happier than me about this is Angie! You suddenly felt exhausted. I am emotionally drained… You tried to get up so that you could change your clothes but your body wouldn’t move. What the fuck…? You were paralyzed, your eyes began to shut. Your sight was filled with blackness, there was nothing. You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t move, you couldn’t see, all you could do was hear.

Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run.

Those words echoed in your mind, over and over and over again. Your eyes shot open but it was dark, you were able to roll out of bed and managed to light the candle on your desk. How long have I been asleep? You looked around and noticed something strange. There was folded up piece of paper laying on the floor. You picked it up and saw ‘My Star’ written on the front. What’s this? You opened it up and began to read its contents.

My dearest Starlight,

                           I write this letter to you with a heavy heart. I could not keep my word to you. As the eldest son, it is my responsibility to shoulder the legacy of my father. Mr. Eacker has sullied the name of not only my family but of you as well. My honor prevents me from backing down against this man’s words, I shall meet him at dawn. If you are reading this, it means that I have not survived the duel. I pray that these letters never meet your beautiful eyes, so that I may see them when the morning comes. I shall not let a tear stray from my eye, I must be strong, if not more myself than for you. Please, take care of my family. They will need you if I am gone. Do not, for a single moment believe that this could be in anyway your fault. My death will be on my hands, no one else’s. It is odd, in the time I need to use my talent in writing the most, I cannot find my words. How does one say goodbye to the person they barely got a chance to be with? My love, it is impossible. What am I to say to you? This letter will have to be short, or else it will be one hundred pages long. I will wait for you, as the world changes and grows so will you. I’ll wait as long as it takes to see your face again. I will bleed and fight for you. If you do read this, do not become stuck on me. Move on, be happy, live your life to the absolute fullest because my love for you will never die, even if I myself do. I will watch over you from the heavens, you shall never be alone. My love, my star, my everything, take your time. I shall see you, one day, on the other side.

With love, P. Ham, your sunshine

            You let the page fall from your hands and flutter to the floor. Dawn… It’s not dawn yet! You ran out of the room, through the hall, into the main room and out the door. You were frantic, you didn’t think about anything you were doing, just moving. Philip, don’t you dare do this to me! You rushed over to the stables and hurriedly led one of the horses out. Sorry to meet you like this old friend… No time for saddles today! You hoisted yourself over and onto the horses back, clutching onto her mane. Sorry if this hurts old girl. You gave her a little kick to the side and she took off, you held on tight to make sure you wouldn’t fall over. You rode into town and saw a few people waking up to prepare for the day, how could everything be so calm? You remembered the path down to the Hudson from the time you and Eliza decided to go for a stroll there. You looked around and saw the sky changing from its deep blue, it was slowly lightening and various other colors peeked from the horizon. The sun’s not up yet, I still have time! You made it to the edge of the river and hopped off the horse. There was a man on a small boat pulling into the dock.

“Excuse me sir! Did you just let a group of men across?” You asked him, completely out of breath. He looked at you incredulously.

“Yes, ma’am. They just rode in not too long ago.”

“Can you take me across? Please!” You begged.

“I can, but aren’t you worried about your horse?” He asked, you ran over to boat and jumped in, it shook under the pressure.

“There’s no time for that! Please!” You reinforced. As he began to paddle the boat across you asked him. “Where did they go?”

“Near Weehawken, ma’am. Crazy fools are looking for a fight, plain as day.” This was the first time you had a chance to process what was happening. I’m coming Philip, don’t do anything crazy! You were starting to feel the weight of guilt. He just had to do this! Why couldn’t I stop him? Was it not enough? Will he never be satisfied? The boat hit the other side and your hurried off, giving the man a pressed thank you. The ground was muddy from the river but the further out you went, the drier it became. The lines in the sky were becoming more and more orange. Tears burnt your eyes as you felt your legs get weaker. I can’t stop! Keep going, damn it! You heard something faint in the distance.

“One!”

The number of years after I realized I loved you. You forced yourself to keep going.

“Two!”

The number of baby’s breath you gave me on our night in the garden. You thought you could see them.

“Three!”

The number of times I had to betray you. You stumbled a bit but kept running.

“Four!”

The years that we’ve been together. You could see him, he raised his gun in the air.

“Five!”

The amount of flowers that were in my hair when you first kissed me and told me you loved me. You saw them marching away from each other, you changed your direction slightly. Left

“Six!”

The number of Hamilton children who love me. You were only a few feet away from him, he saw you.  Your body shot against his.

“Seven!”

Right now. Bang.

            There was a moment, a single moment where everything felt alright. Time had no control over you. History has its eyes on you, and yet you controlled it at the same time. You hugged Philip’s side as the two of you fell. That moment however, was only a moment. And that’s all it took. You felt a shot of pain come from the right side of your forehead. It was excruciating. You landed on the ground, Philip underneath you. Your head banged against his ribcage, something wet rolled down your face and seeped into your right eye. Blood. You felt yourself be moved and Philip was hovering over you. His eyes were filled a mix of terror and denial.

“S-s-star…? Y-you…you’re…” His breathing was heavy and erratic.

“I…made a pretty big entrance…huh?” You tried to laugh but the pain was too much.

“Doctor! Don’t just stand there, help her!” He yelled out, his eyes were glistening. Another man appeared your side and he examined you for a moment.

“This is very serious; we need to get her out her right now! Is there anywhere we can take her that’s close by?” He asked.

“My aunt’s house, it’s just at the edge of city! Ride in the carriage with me and fix her, please!” You sound so overcome...I don’t like that. Philip lifted you up into his arms and ran, your eyes fluttered open and shut. Before you knew it, you were in a carriage, Philip carefully shaking your shoulders. “Don’t fall asleep, my love. How can I see your radiance when you’re asleep? Keep your eyes open for me, don’t stop looking at me. Don’t look at the doctor, just pay attention to me, okay?” You felt something touch the side of your head. Then the musket in your head, the one embedded in your skull, was ripped out. You screamed, you never thought a person could experience something so agonizing. Philip squeezed your hand tightly to try and get your attention. “Shh, I know, I know! I know it hurts, love. But it’s going to be okay! Save your strength, you’ll stay alive!” You reached your trembling hand up and caressed his cheek. A few tears hit the edge of your palm.

“You’re right… So, d-don’t cry, sunny. I’m going to be… just fine…” You felt a cloth hit the gaping hole in your head you winced. The carriage stopped and before you knew it, you were being carried inside a large house. A familiar female voice was asking Philip questions; of which he didn’t know how to answer.

“Go inform Alexander and my sister!” You heard someone run out and shut the door. “Bring her in here, Philip!” He held you close as he rushed into a different room, the only thing you could notice about it were the large windows. The sun was rising, the light filling the room. You were laid onto some sort of sofa, but Philip didn’t leave your side or let go of your hand.

“The doctor is going to clean your wound now; it’s probably going to hurt like hell. But you can handle it! I know you can!” The cloth was peeled off your blood clotted skin, something wet was poured onto your injury. It burned. You bit your lip to stifle another screech. Philip kissed your knuckle. “See? I knew you could handle it!”

“Hey…Philly?”

“Yes, my star?”

“I know I’m going to be fine and all…but it would really help me feel better if we talked for a little bit.”

“Of course, what would you like to discuss?”

“You said that… you wanted to ask me something in the garden… What was it?” You asked breathlessly.

“My plan was to…ask for your hand in marriage. I was going to the ring in the patch of baby’s breath that grows every spring…” He chuckled sadly.

“That…sounds perfect… I feel like the wedding will be beautiful… Angie already declared herself Maid of Honor…” Your breathing was starting to become shallow. “Can you tell me… what happens after that?”

“We’ll get a place in the city, because I know you love the energy there. We’ll start rallies to abolish slavery, our generation will be the one to do it. But we won’t stop there, we won’t stop until everyone is free, all women, immigrants and those like my sister in the likes. It’ll be hard but we’ll always come out on top. Because nothing in this world is stronger than us…” He smiled wistfully. His smile is so perfect…

“I’m glad that… at least one of us had a plan…”

“Has!” He corrected, you nodded.

“Right, silly me. Has.” He took a moment to look at you, he fell apart in front of your eyes.

“This is all my fault! I should have listened to you! If I had, then you’d… then you’d be… I’m so sorry!” You him by the cravat and pulled him in close with all the strength you had in your body. You kissed his cheek, wishing you could do and say more.

“This isn’t your fault, if any one should be sorry it’s me. I’m sorry for not always being there for you, even if I wanted to. I’m so sorry for every time I’ve ever lied to you. I’m sorry for not loving you for as long as I wanted to. Philip, I’m sorry but I couldn’t let you die before me. I did this and I don’t regret it. I’m not sorry for doing this.” You said with a dark tone, he sighed.

“I…don’t know what I’m going to do without you…”

“Live.” His eyes widened. “You’re going to do all those things you said you’d do with me. Even if I’m not there with you. You’re going to live and grow and be happy! This isn’t some Shakespearian tale, we aren’t Romeo and Juliet or Pyramus and Thisbe. Our love didn’t come from some love at first sight encounter. We were friends, we cared about each other, we got mad at one another but that’s what made it real! We grew together and you’re going to keep growing without me. Because you know that’s what I’d want…” It was getting harder to talk but you refused to give up your chance. The doctor took another look at your head, he couldn’t seem to find a way to fix it. You could read his face and you were satisfied with that. You heard footsteps getting louder and louder, a door busted open.

“Come in Mr. Hamilton.” The doctor instructed. You saw faces appear by your side. Alex, Eliza, Angie, AJ, Jamie, Johnny, Willy and Lizzy. Your family was here.

“Philip…what happened?” Alex asked with fear.

“I did exactly as you said Pop…I held my head up high… But even before we got to ten…she was pushing me aside…” Alex looked over at the doctor and he was given the same look you were.

“Is she going to survive this? Who did this? Alexander do you know?” Eliza’s voice was going by a mile a minute. All of this sounded familiar. Your eyesight was fazing in an out, like a camera trying to keep itself in focus.

“I want to say…so many things…But I don’t think I have the strength to… In my room, under my pillow, you’ll find some things that will tell you what I can’t…”

“TT…you’re greatest big sister I could ever hope to have…” Angie sniffled.

“Eliza…” You whispered.

“Yes, dear?”

“Do you remember… how you counted on my first day with you…and the round that we made the warmup?” She nodded. “Could you…and all the children…sing that for me? I think…it would help me feel a little calmer…”

“Of course, dear! Anything for one of my girls!” Her voice cracked. She looked at all the children, they were in tears but were being very brave. I’m so proud of them… You looked at Philip, asking for him to sing for you.

“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq…” Eliza and all the younger children started, Philip remembered what to do.

“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf…” He sang to you softly.

“Good…” Your eyes felt heavy.

“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq…” So tired….

“Un…” You stopped him.

“I love you…” Was the last thing you were able to say.

[sevenclowds]

Frank Weekend

My account of going to see Frank Iero and the Patience play at the Baltimore Soundstage in Maryland, Sat Apr 22 2017.

My companions for the weekend are my 19 yr old and my friend's 16 yr old daughter. Both their names begin with C and will henceforth be known collectively as C&C. My teen was forced to listen introduced to MCR from the age of 7 and obviously has great musical taste. My friend's teen is a huge fan of the Emo Trinity, but is not familiar with Frank's non-MCR work. "Is Frank the drummer for MCR?" she asks innocently. Oh dear. We gotta lotta educating to do this weekend. Someone needs to save this poor child.

[Very long post. You probably want to put the kettle on for this.]

We leave North Carolina at 8am and make our first stop at 10am at a Starbucks. It is here that I purchase a fateful cup of coffee that will keep me buzzed for the next 19 hrs. Just how strong is Starbucks Pike Place Roast? And what on earth possessed me, a caffeine lightweight, to get a grande instead of a tall? It'll help me keep awake while driving, I thought. Someone punch me.

I treat C&C to my music on the drive. My iTunes music library appears to be like my blog: 95% MCR with the occasional snippet of something random. We make sure to play plenty of Frank, for educational purposes. C&C are huge Hamilton nerds and we listen to the soundtrack as we near DC. As we pass the capital city, I point out that Washington is now literally on our side. Groan. #momjokes

We arrive at our hotel in Baltimore around 4pm, then go out around 5pm. We walk past The Soundstage and there are lots of people lined up waiting to get in. I'm so happy to see several Frank fans wearing the same Death Spells hoodie as me and as we walk past I feel really fucking cool! These are my people! My tribe! They will see my DS merch and know that I am one of them! Whereas last week, walking round Harris Teeter, I felt vaguely conspicuous in my black hoodie with the scorpion on the back, but now, I fit in. I am home. If I didn't have C&C with me I would be lining up there with them. But I have to feed my teens and not leave them to stand outside in the rain, so I sigh, and head toward Shake Shack for some food that we'll loosely call "dinner", like a grown up.

After eating some fries, we head to a spiffy steampunky Barnes & Noble where C&C, both devoted book nerds, are in heaven and bond further over their love of fiction. I'm itching to get to the venue but it's still raining and cold and they're having so much fun that we don't head over there until about 7.30pm.

VIP Ticket Fiasco Two months previously, when buying the tickets online, I wasn't quite fast enough to get the VIP tickets and I sat at my computer spitting curses and venom at those who managed to buy them in 0.2 milliseconds flat. The VIP experience included a private acoustic session before the show, a copy of Parachutes, and a seat in the posh table-and-chairs bit near the side of the stage. But alas, it wasn't to be so I made do with the regular tickets.

So, as we enter the venue, we're informed that we can upgrade to the posh section for an extra $10 each. C&C look thrilled at this idea, and my kid has issues with being in crowds and had been intending to stand quietly near the back, so this is a fantastic opportunity to get a great view without the crush. I relent and upgrade, even though I'm crying inside because I know we've missed out on the private session earlier and I just want to die. Fuck me, I get to sit at a table like somebody's mom. Kill me now. My plan is to stay with C&C for a couple of songs and then venture out into the crowd, but that damn parental mode kicks in and I feel guilty about leaving them so I stay. But actually, the view is really great, even though the atmosphere in the VIP area is nonexistent.

Dave Hause and the Mermaid open the show with some so-so rock stuff. Perfectly fine and competent band to fill the time, although nothing too exciting until the last song, dedicated to Trump, and called Dirty Fucker, causes the crowd to go wild.

Then Frank Iero and his Beardy Wondergroup come out, launch into World Destroyer, and time ceases to exist. It's the first time I've seen Frank since 2007 when he wore his Black Parade jacket (sniff) so I'm very emotional and I'm grinning the whole time. I realize I don't know as many lyrics as I'd like to, on account of Frank lyrics being hard to learn without serious study, which I haven't had time for. I do my best and probably sing a pile of nonsense for the most part. He tells us that today is the first time he's showered in 5 days. Why so gross? He tells us a story about how bad the crime is in Baltimore, which makes everyone nervous about getting home tonight.

I take some great photos

And some not so great photos

After the show, we head to the pizza place next to the venue to kill time until the band hopefully come out. We huddle in the corner by the door and eat pizza. I can't really taste it. Maybe it's because it's gluten free and vegan, maybe it's because I'm really not quite in my body. I realize I'm shaking and figure it's still The Coffee I had earlier plus added adrenaline and fatigue.

I message Kyle @casesandcapitals to come meet us in the pizza place because I know he's here somewhere and we've never met before. Next thing I know, Jen @jen--ne--sais--quoi and Kyle are walking in and I realize three fundamental truths at the exact same time: 

1. Jen has intimidating make-up skills 

2. Kyle IS recognizable without the 5ft tall metal flamingo

3. These people are way too cool for me

I am a little excitable and extra when meeting them and their friends Abbi @grewuponyourbackporch and Cole, but mainly because Jen's jacket is all kinds of awesome.

My new friends eat pizza and go outside to wait again but it's too cold for us so we stay in the restaurant. I feel really sick, I'm still shaking and I feel like crap. In my fevered state I manage to post the same pic to Facebook twice and cannot for the life of me get anyone's name right in the above photo that I post to tumblr. My brain has gone. I'm a mess. I'm not really in my body and I wonder if they'll put "death by frank" as my cause of death.

We go to join everyone outside at about 1.30am because those band members aren't going to meet themselves and we don't want to miss it. It's fucking freezing! You can tell the direction that everyone has traveled to the show by how many blankets they're shivering under. Southerners are suffering and northerners don't give a shit because they're tough as nails. My kid discovers their Hamilton hoodie isn't at all warm but I'm not going to give them my hoodie because I need to meet Frank in my Death Spells hoodie because I'm shallow and a really bad parent. I actually choose to let a child freeze because I want Frank to know I'm a fan and not just someone's mom. Priorities, people!

Evan and Alex keep appearing and disappearing again. They mill around and meet folks, clearly enjoying themselves or at least faking it really well. Me and C&C go stand in the parking garage entrance for a bit because it's possibly 5 degrees warmer than outside. It's 2.20am. C&C want to give it until 2.30 before we leave. It's clear by now that Frank isn't going to come out. But he ALWAYS comes out. I'm faced with the reality of having to leave without meeting him and I'm distraught. I comfort C&C because I feel bad for making them wait all this time but they end up comforting and hugging me. They tell me to wait until 3am and to come speak to Evan because he's being adorable and there's hardly anyone left so we'll have him to ourselves. And so we do, and he's just the loveliest, sweetest man and he fixates on the fact that me and the kiddo are British, haha! We tell him we drove 8 hrs today and he should come to North Carolina. He agrees and says he loves Chapel Hill so maybe that'll happen some day (yeah right). He imparts wisdom on doing what you love and not being obsessed with grades because they won't matter once you leave school. He starts talking to someone else and just as we're thinking of leaving, there's a tap on my shoulder and someone behind me yells, "Oh! Nando's!" It's Evan again, wanting to tell me about his favorite British experience - a restaurant that serves the best chicken. He's so enthusiastic as we discuss Nando's menu, particularly the veggie options and the bean burger. Hilarious! He's my new favorite person without a doubt.

It's 3am and we leave, jogging back to the hotel (because Frank's made us nervous about Baltimore). We get to the room and I get into bed in my clothes because it's too cold to consider taking anything off. My body is still buzzing (can it STILL be The Coffee from this morning or is it shivering?). I get maybe 1-2 hrs sleep because my mind insists on composing Hamilton/FIATP hybrid songs and some of them are actually quite good so I stay up and listen to the inside of my head.

Next day we drive back to NC. It takes 7.5 hrs. I force C&C to listen to the entire Death Spells album and even a little bit of Leathermouth just because I know it's what Jen would have wanted 💜

[adelindschade]

So since in my previous post I touched on some of the bullshit my dad put us through, I’m going to reiterate some of our last ‘transactions’ before that bridge was burned - one of the many pivotal awakenings I needed to throw those rose colored glasses away. By then I had taken them off and started seeing shit differently but this moment was probably one of the few that prompted me to stop giving a fuck and call it quits for good.

By this point, dad and I are in a rough patch. I gave him an ultimatum about a year from now - right before thanksgiving - to stay off mom, she wasn’t in a position to be losing income for child support when custody was 50/50, etch. - and he’d rather lay into me about not knowing my place (despite me being a 22 YO independent adult) and gaslighting me about not knowing the full situation (bullshit). So we’re not on speaking terms.

I’ll let you know now - family or not, if you piss me, I’m done. I quit. There ain’t no tantrums. There aren’t conversations. After that last text and you ain’t wit the program, I’m duecing out. Peace sign, have good life, motherfucker, I’m out. Adios. Fuck off forever. I had my last straw and I stopped talking altogether. It was mutual. No one was lifting a finger to initiate any sort of discussion after that debacle. .

I ain’t the person who sends holiday or birthday texts. Nah. When I’m done, it’s cold turkey. I cut it off in an instant and I don’t look back. None of this “I’m always here” bullshit or “call me if you have a change of heart”. Nah, fam. Not even with my ex-bestie. She was all about that life after our blow out but I said what I said, I meant it, and I’m not turning back on my words just to re-engage an awkward & inevitably change friendship. That bridge was incinerated and same goes for my Dad.

Also - blocking - I’m all about that life. None of that ‘weak’ shit excuse. I don’t want to be hearing from you. I don’t want to be seeing shit from or about you. I don’t want you creeping on my shit either so your nosy ass can talk about something to your friends. Nah. We’s dead to each other. I blocked a hella ton of people because they nosy AF and messy and I’m not going to enable that shit. My profile is private, too, so they can’t hire their friends to peep for them either. Communication is low so mutual friends or family can’t be talking shit if I don’t have anything to say about the matter. I stay in my fucking lane, you bet your ass you ought to do the same. I ain’t gonna make it easy for you to weave in between the lines so don’t even bother.

I also learned that if people are a) bitching but b) not blocking - that door is still open for more bullshit. That girlfriend of yours talking shit about her on-and-off ex for a billion reasons but still refusing to block his ass? You bet they’re going to be back together by the end of the week. It’s inevitable. They ain’t ready to cut that cord.

My dad was one of those people. His (last I heard, ex) GF was a piece of work. So many stories were born from that messy relationship but he wasn’t dumb AF and continued to justify or make excuses as to why he wanted to work on it. At the end of the day, he made it known he valued her over his own kids, and that was that. He bankrupted himself to support her even though she already had income coming in three different ways and he used that excuse to make all these expectations that were never realized.

This is semi-important. All of this ties together.

When I cut contact, I cut all of it. No birthday text, no happy father’s day text, none of that. I was a making a point and it struck a nerve. He went through mom to tell me I needed to bounce TF off his phone plan (as if I wasn’t paying my portion?? which I learned was MORE than what I actually owed!!). Hmm. Ironic. I was asking him for months to cut me off his plan because he was the account owner and he had to give the approval but all he did was give BS excuses to wait or that I wasn’t financially ready to take on another burden (What?? I was meticulous about my budget and planned ahead for it! I realize now it was because I was paying for part of not just my plan but his, too - hmm). So suddenly now, I’m an ungrateful mooch and need to bounce ASAP.

Luckily I anticipated this but unfortunately had to wait for his go ahead. Because no matter how times I attempted to do it, they still needed certain information only he could give, and it was infuriating that I couldn’t do shit unless he went ahead from HIS account to release the line.

Now, let me input this: I love my phone. It’s old (4+ years) but it works, it functions, and it still in pretty condition because I forked out a shit ton of money for a grade A case that lived up to its reputation (otterbox FTW). So, the only thing I was (or should have been) paying for was just the plan and my ass was grandfathered in so I wasn’t paying for shit for unlimited. However, I was paying twice that amount until this moment. My upgrade was never used because I didn’t need one - it was only for an emergency just in case some shit happened to my phone. I didn’t ever want a new one because the one I had (and still do) does everything I need it to. (Shout out to Samsung!)

Dad, however, was the exact opposite. Constantly upgraded because he HAD to have the new iPhone after it’s release (same applies to my brother which he always catered to) and stealing everyone’s upgrades while still forking out money for the phone he just ditched.

So after days in finagling for the fucking information I needed to just finish the job, he finally makes me the account manager to just take care of it. First it was, oh I haven’t paid the bill yet so I still owe x amount before they make any account change (abet lowkey suggesting I take care of the $400+ invoice - TF I will! Hell no! I’m not the one to be tried today - fuck that noise!) Then it was - oh, well, uh, I couldn’t cover the total so wait until next week so I have the entire bill take care of...

Here’s what went down:

This man never, ever paid the bill in full. He had late fee after late free applied because he was cutting corners.

On top of that, he was constantly adding new devices  - like a new set of Dre Beat wireless headphones - hmm - while apparently not having enough to cover the bill. That’s some piss poor management right there.

Here’s the bonus:

I finally ask the rep to take me off. Wait, there’s a new charge. What? On my line? Repeat that, please??

This man used MY line, MY UPGRADE, while the account still under his name to buy a brand new $1100 iPhone - in payment plans no less! So either someone pays the difference (which is pretty much the whole thing) before I can ever transfer my line to an independent one or - at this point - my mind stopped listening because I was fuming.

Wanna guess where, or rather who, that phone went to? Take a guess - it’s pretty easy - if you thought, hmm, Dad, so did I - but no, it went to his pretty little neurotic piece of a GF. *I learned this later on from my brother who was lamenting about how she got the phone and not him (after his took a nasty fall & cracked the screen).

Folks, I don’t remember how TF I did without forking over money but I did - I got my ass off the plan within a week of the original message, kept my beloved phone (which he can pry from my cold, dead hands) and my number with a manageable plan.

Now, let me tell you, I did not block my dad. My number is still the same as always because it’s damn near connected to everything in my name. I couldn’t bother with a number change because too much inconvenience. I sent him an e-mail saying the deed was done (literally 5 words or less) and he never replied back - that was that.

Fast forward about.... rounded, a couple months. Karma is beautifully served and she kicks his ass to the curb after mooching off what she could without having to do the same. (He’s still a dick and probably did some shit to deserve the restraining order). He crawls back to my mom looking for pity. She reminds him said-ex-GF is not worth it and primarily one of the reasons why he’s estranged with his eldest (me!).

He has the audacity to say the following - oh, I was going to ask her eventually if she wanted to get coffee. (Haha! Hell no! As if I’d be anywhere in the same zip code as this man! I ain’t gonna be trapped listening to his woe-is-me bullshit. Fuck that!)

Mom shakes her head - she knows me well enough. That ain’t gonna fly. She’s not going to respond to that.

He probably scratched his head - what should I do? (*Uh, dumbass, I literally wrote you an e-mail with plain-as-day instructions. First step, apologize, second step, acknowledge your wrong doings, third step, make an vocal and actual effort to fix x amount of issues which I’ve bulleted! Look at your Goddamn archives!)

Mom literally says - show an effort.

He replies - okay... is her number the same??

Bruh. Bruuhh.

At this point, it’s just comedy. I can’t make this shit up.

I’ve never blocked this man. I never changed my number. If he asked, idk, my brother?? He’d confirm - yeah, it’s still the same.

Now under this context, which my mother forewarned me about, he sends me a BS text - oh, thinking about you, hoping you’re doing well, text me, love ya.

What bullshit. Mind you, had his (ex) GF not kicked him to the curb, he’d still be at her side, and I’d still be in exile - so no - not happening. You made your bed, lie in it. See - I look at the bigger picture - it helps with retrospect.

Mark to present: Mom is now on the train which she’s almost always finds her way back on - forgive and forget! He’s your father? Yadda-yadda - you know the naive shit that gets her into trouble because she forgives wayyy too easily the shit no one should put up with. (*I’m all about the resent-and-remember and boii has it served me good).

Mom - has your father texted you yet? He told me he tried again. (As per use, telling one thing, doing another - actions ain’t lining up, pops. Typical).

My inbox: void of any such message(s).

Me - Nope! (proceeds to monologue about his douchebaggery and my intolerance for such antics and how forgiveness is absolutely out of the question.)

Mother  - who is very passive - immediately weans off the topic. She’s the soft spoken but persistent type. (I’m the opposite. I’m the ‘cuss your ass out’ + end of fucking discussion type).

I see things for how they are and I’m ain’t about that bullshit. I know how things operate and I’m not playing the fool this time.

[empty-movement]

Recently read (and thoroughly enjoyed!) your article "20 Years of Utena Fandom." Question for you! At the end of the article, you mention you're married and have matching Utena tattoos. Frankly, this sounds like the most awesome thing ever!! Is there a story behind this? (Also: Please keep up the great work with Empty Movement website and tumblr!)

That’s very perceptive of you, Anon! There is actually a story, one I’ve told once or twice before. It’s… well, awesome could describe it, but not in the way you think. To those of you who were around for parts of it, I love you, and thank you for being there for us. 

All right, everybody, hang in there because this is long. Content warnings include suicide, abuse, and rape.

When I first met Gio in 2002, it was because of SKU. I had watched the movie, I was in the middle of watching the show, and I had devoured her website, Empty Movement, trying to figure out what was going on. Then, because she was so smart and funny and interesting, I started to read her blog. She was in financial trouble at the time; she’d had a large inheritance from her father, who was dead, but her mother was terrible with money and it had been almost completely spent. They were struggling to pay the bills, and she was depressed and upset and feeling like there was nothing she could do.

And then, well, she decided to give Empty Movement away. On top of everything else, it was turning into an eight hour a day job, and she was going to have to get a full time job soon instead of going to post-secondary. The money situation was that bad. She was burnt out and unhappy, so she had decided to give the site to a friend of hers.

So on November 22, 2002, I emailed her. Basically, I congratulated her on recognizing when something was too much, and said I supported her decision to give it up. I could see from various other communities that she was getting some shit for making that decision, and I wanted to let her know that not everyone thought that way. This turned into a full-fledged conversation very quickly due to our mutual love of LOTR, and the two of us emailed back and forth for some time. Gio gave Empty Movement to her friend, Filia, and we became friends in the meantime.

That was pretty big for both of us. I mean, losing the site was big, yes, but becoming friends was monumental. We were both very, very fucked up and depressed at the time. Gio’s life plan was to find a job, support her mother as best she could until her mother died, and then kill herself. She didn’t see a future for herself. All of her hopes for going to University and becoming a doctor or an astronomer had been crushed by their financial situation, which had been directly caused by the people she loved most. The final blow was two people she considered uncles, people she’d grown up with, stealing the last ten thousand or so of their money and running.

My situation was a bit different. I was in a relationship that didn’t register to me as abusive because it was a different kind of abuse from the things I’d experienced at the home I’d run away from. My mother was mentally unstable to the point of yearly hospitalization, and she’d done a great job making me think I was worthless and useless, things I still struggle with today. I’d run away more than once throughout high school, and the last time I moved in with my boyfriend after some friends told me that I couldn’t crash on their couch anymore. I was reluctant to do it, but I had nowhere else to go. I was right to be reluctant. Over the years I was with him, he isolated me from everyone, wouldn’t teach me to drive, wouldn’t let me get a job or go to school, and was pressuring me to have children, which I did not want. My depression was so bad that some days I couldn’t get out of bed. I thought about killing myself all day every day, slightly up from when I’d lived with my mother. He treated me like I was a broken doll, one he could still play with if he put the pressure on her the right way. With everything. Sex too. I can’t begin to tell you how much of me those four years destroyed.

So me and Gio even making the leap from email to chat programs was a huge thing for us. This was early 2003, I think. I would have been 21, and Gio would have been 19. We were both extremely isolated. We both had trust issues to the point where even speaking to someone we wanted to be friends with was terrifying. We got past that. We learned to trust each other, first in very limited ways, but as we proved to each other that we weren’t going to let each other down, that trust grew.

After a while, it became evident that Filia wasn’t doing anything with Empty Movement, in spite of her promises. Gio didn’t want the site, which she still thought of as hers, to lapse into a static state, the way many sites already had. We had some long discussions about it, and in the end, she decided that as long as I was there to take the parts of the workload that she didn’t like and pay for what I could of the site, she would take it back. It was pretty unceremonious. I’m not sure if we even consulted Filia beyond telling her we were going to do it. But EM was ours again, and now that we had something to work on together and were both holding up our ends of the bargain, we trusted each other even more.

Eventually, the only thing I did was spend time on the computer, either writing, taking care of the site, or talking to Gio. My boyfriend didn’t like this, especially as I’d started to refuse sex consistently (which he sometimes ignored), and when it became evident that the doll was too broken to play with anymore, he threw me out. I had to go back and live with my mother, and no matter how much I know she loves me, living with him was better.

So the challenge then was to get through some kind of education and start making some money, Gio because her family was living on the edge of poverty and her mother had to get her nursing license renewed after years of being out of work, and me because I had to, had to, get away from my mother. We made plans. We tried to follow through on them. I got a job working nights at a 24 hour coffee place. Gio got a nighttime hotel job. We spent every spare minute working on the site and chatting online.

We met in 2004, I think. It gets blurry after so long because a lot of the middle part was all the same. I came down from Alberta to Florida to visit her. I stayed one night. We were both nervous as hell, but after we had talked for a few minutes or so we recognized each other as the person we’d spent so much time with already, and we were fine after that. It wasn’t a long visit due to the circumstances– I was road tripping with some of my family– but it was good. We had fun. You know, I can’t remember for sure, but I think we watched some of SKU.

As I said, the middle part was a whole lot of the same thing. Working shit jobs, trying to scrape up money for one thing or another, eventually going to school while working our full time jobs– Gio finished, I didn’t, because I had to move out of my mother’s place and start paying the exorbitant rents around here. We visited each other once a year. First she came up to spend Christmas with me, because she loved snow and usually never got to see it. Later, we started meeting up in New York. It is possible to do New York for two weeks on $2500 total, including flights and hotel.

After a while, we started sleeping together on these trips. It was pretty natural even though we’d both thought of ourselves as straight. There was never a whirlwind romance moment; there might have been if we weren’t still so intensely fucked up and distrustful of everything, including our own emotions. We were not healthy people, but we were pulling each other up out of our respective mires. Sometimes that was painful, sometimes it wasn’t, but it demanded so much trust from both of us that sex, even with our body issues and emotional issues, was not a big leap to make.

Then Gio got sick. I might be mixing up the timeline here; as I said, a lot of this part was very samey so it’s hard to remember what happened when. I won’t go into too much detail, but we spent a year and thousands of dollars trying to figure out what it was, and then once we knew that it was an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit, we spent another year on tenterhooks waiting for her to be able to get insurance through her mom’s work, knowing the cyst could burst at any time and if it did her entire future was fucked due to medical bills.

It didn’t burst. She got insurance, and then spent more thousands of dollars getting her operation. This is when we started to talk about becoming a permanent thing. It was clear that we weren’t going to just disappear on each other, we both bawled like babies when we had to split up at the airport, we still spent every free minute of every day chatting online even when we were both in school full time and working full time… but it was knowing that she could get another cyst at any time and have to go through that whole process again that made us start talking about her moving up to Canada.

By this time, our forum had been open for a while, and we had friends in the community. Some people knew bits and pieces of what had gone on, but mostly we kept it to ourselves. Trust issues. Despite that, we made a lot of very good friends in the SKU community, people that have been very close to us and that we value more than anything. We ended up having “cons” after a while– we called them RoseCons– where a bunch of us from the fandom would all fly out to one city and hang out for three or four days and party together. They were great. I’d love to do it again, even if it is a lot of work to set up. Literally these were the highest points of our year, not just because of RoseCon, but because it was more time we could spend together.

Gio started coming up for entire summers when she was off school once her mom had her nursing license back and Gio wasn’t supporting the entire family on her tiny paychecks. I worked at jobs I hated, gave myself nervous breakdowns from hating them so much, and eventually started drinking every night so that I could stand them enough to do them. This lasted for… two years? Three years? I was a functional alcoholic, though. I never drank until I was home for the evening. And I drank less when Gio was around, partly because I was embarrassed, and partly because having her around made things better. I’ve since kicked the habit, before you get worried. I can have a couple of drinks and not go overboard, and I don’t crave alcohol the way I used to. It was hard to kick the habit, but not as hard as smoking, which I’ve never been able to give up entirely.

The tipping point where we knew we were getting married was once when I came down to visit her– we went to Key West for the day, and somehow it was decided that we should get married and she should come up to live with me. We’d been talking about her immigrating to Canada for years by this point, and marriage had been floated as an idea, but we’d never decided one way or the other. That night it became a part of the plan. I don’t even remember what was said– there was no proposal, just an agreement that this was best.

It was still a couple years away, though. Gio had to finish school and she wanted to get some experience before coming up to Alberta so that she could get hired more easily once she was here. That’s not how that ended up working out– after six months of hunting for a job in Florida, we said fuck it, and she just came up to Canada to live. I supported us while she did all the immigration paperwork, and we got married. It was a very small ceremony. Only Syora from the forum and her boyfriend were there. I’d invited my mother, but she couldn’t come because she had errands to run that day. There’s a reason I don’t talk to her anymore.

So we were legally married in 2012. It took a couple months for the immigration paperwork to go through, but it did, and Gio was a permanent resident. Approximately two weeks after she sent out her first application, she was starting her first job as a nurse. I held on to my job as long as I could, but eventually I just crashed and burned, and then I had to spend some time unemployed so that I could recover and stop drinking.

Things have been pretty much the same ever since. I mean, there have been incidents, like the attempted stabbing that a few of you have heard about (the non-oyster-related one) (someone who hated us came at us with a knife, it’s a long story), but they’re not really relevant to the story of how and why we got together. What is, and always has been relevant, is SKU and Empty Movement. We would both probably be dead right now if it wasn’t for the show and the site. Instead, we are happily married and in a pretty good place in life, even if we still struggle with depression and I’m trying to make my way without traditional employment. That’s down to the show, and the friends we made because of it. We still hang out with people from the fandom as much as we can– the fandom has provided us with so much support and purpose over the years that we’ll probably never let it go.

We got our tattoos at RoseCon NYC, just before the whole con went to a physics lecture. I can’t even remember whether we had decided to get married then or not, but we knew it was coming even if we hadn’t said it. Mine is on the back of my neck; Gio’s is on her shoulderblade. Sometimes one of us will poke the other’s tattoo and say, “Mine!” We’re pretty disgusting with that cutesy shit, and we don’t even mean to be.

It’s kind of funny. You’d think that with all we went through, Utena and Anthy would be the ones we identify with most. But… no. It’s always Touga for me, and Saionji and Akio for her. Still, I always thought it was pretty messed up how our lives ended up mirroring Utena and Anthy’s arc. Life imitating art, I guess.

Anon, and anyone else still reading, if you hung in there for that entire thing, thank you. It’s people like you, the ones who are willing to listen to others and engage with them and be open that are the reason we’re still around, both in the fandom and probably just in general. We went through a lot of shit, but the show, the site, and the fandom were always here for us. They’re the reason we met in the first place, and the reason we made it safely all the way to marriage. We still have problems, but they’re not the huge, life-ending problems that they used to be. And that’s because of you. Thank you.